Dear Journal,
We have a break for Thanksgiving. It was nice not to have to drive all the way to Buena Park. I have four days off from everything and I am so looking forward to having it off. Jack got promoted at work and so the new guy is going to work this weekend so Jack has four days off too! And the cool thing about it all is that we are both getting paid. It seems as if we are never just home. My mom invited Jack for Thanksgiving. She invited his dad too but he is going to his sister’s house. I wanted to invite his dad first but now that I know he has somewhere to go I was kind of wondering about his mom. But I brought her up last week and he was in a bad mood the rest of the day. So when my mom asked me if I’d invited her I just said she probably had someplace to go. Last year she went to her dad’s. Remember the one that I took home in a cab? I am worried. Jack told me that a lot of her drama happens on the holidays. Poor baby. Every year he hopes it will be different.
I think I love Jack more because I want to make up for all the horrific things that happened when he was little. The suicide attempts and the fights with knifes and guns. I want to just love him happy. To make it all better for him. One day we lay in bed all day and he told me every bad memory that he could remember about every holiday. He said that they were either really happy or really horrific. He told me about this old raggedy teddy bear that he loved and how his mom ripped it up and threw it away and called him a “girl” when he cried. She told him, “You don’t need a doll anymore and I will make sure of it. And then tore out the stuffing with a knife and then shook it at him to stop crying.
All I know is that he has been really happy just being part of my family and I’ve told my parents that I want to make him feel special. My dad is very nice to him but a little more formal than usual. I am not sure if that is because he is dating his daughter or he is his boss. And my mom, well, I know she has seen me sad because of him. I have tried to not let her know too much exactly because I don’t want her to hate him. But she is different with him than with Laurie or my other friends. I am not sure that he notices. He just seems to be so grateful to be a part of our family. Part of any family I suspect.
keris journal 
What is it about parents of that generation “Shut up or I’ll give you something to cry about” was it really the greatest generation, or were they just brutalized by depressions and two world wars, so that they had to unlearn compassion and make their children ‘tough’?
Yeah well this particular parent was clueless. Giving her any credit for trying to teach anything really is too good for her. Perhaps… She was damaged from her parents doing it wrong but she NEVER should have had kids. Though I do think her problems were organic.But back in those days bipolar and words that might have answered many questions, unfortunately were not as talked about. Looking back, I am sure she passed on her demons. Maybe organically or by the damage done by her actions or maybe both. I just know that I wish I’d understood it all better back then.
My own mother’s drama shined during holidays as well. As for you poor Keri, you have to reach a place where you feel like you don’t have to save everybody. Easy to say because I lived it too, thus I can see where this train is heading.
Debbie,
You are such a great support as I keep trudging down the tacks. I didn’t think it would be so painful. It has been pretty therapeutic doing this, “this” way. I have talked a lot about finding my young self and bringing her back. I think that I was a little scared to face the reality. Especially since Jack reappeared in my life so recently. It WILL definitely be an interesting ending!
That’s how I felt when I wrote my book. You are writing it here so why not just publish it so more of the world can learn? It is hard facing harsh realities and it takes strength to bear your soul to the world but it is empowering in another aspect. And what? Jack appeared in your ‘real’ life??? 🙂
Stay tuned 😉
(I thought I told you?) So funny, it feels as if we have had a million conversations♡
What a gift for all of us, Keri . . . to hear your story. Thank you for being so real. And thanks, too, for your “follow.” All peace to you on your journey.
Thank YOU Ellen
for taking the time to read and comment!
It means so much. I also love your blog!
♡