Journal Entry #12 Going Home

CAR

Dear Journal,

My heart pounded as I listened to Jack’s voice breaking as he apologized. “I am so, so sorry.” He kept saying. He finally looked up at me and started the engine. We drove several miles without a word. I am not sure if I was just making sure that we were as close to home as possible or just didn’t know what to say. I was so confused. My mind could not stop rewinding. The days’s events played over and over again in my mind and each time it made me want to get sick. My stomach churned as we wound up the hills from San Pedro to Palos Verdes and I was sure that I was going to throw up.

car couple

Just before we reached the entrance to my neighborhood, Jack turned off on a side street and parked. He still looked anguished but had gained composure. The evening fog began to roll in as he clicked on the heater. Taking my hand he held it and said that he loved me enough to say “goodbye” and how I deserved better and how he knew he had a problem that he thought he could control. That he’d messed things up with Maddie but he thought he could be stronger with me because he loved me so much, but today showed otherwise. He said sometimes he couldn’t even figure out what makes him mad, and that he seems to sabatoge everything good in his life because his mom told him that he was worthless  when he was a little boy.

My hand jerked away as I realized that he was breaking up with me! “YOU are breaking up with ME?” I wanted to scream. Though nothing came out of my mouth. During the drive home I penned many scripts in my head, all things that I wanted to say to him. I planned to break up with him! NOT the other way around! But all I could do was just sit there trying to understand everything that had happened that day. I was so cofused. The more serious he sounded the more it made me freak out. I began remembering all the times we’d shared and tried to imagine life without him and I panicked. I grabbed his leg and shouted “No!” I told him that some how we’d figure this out. I told him that I was different and wouldn’t abandonded him like Maddie did. Even though I’d fully intended to a few hours earlier. In one day I’d gone from being madly in love to wanting to break up to begging for him not to.

Jack stopped talking. I couldn’t stop crying. I pleaded with him to reconsider as if my life depended on it. And in a way it felt as if it did. I imagined his life without me and it made me more sad than picturing mine without him. He needed me! I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed his mouth and his eyes and his hair as he slowly relaxed. I began murmuring; “I will never leave you Jack. Not ever!” Finally he relaxed and we cried together. He lay his head in my lap and as I stroked his hair. It was a strange feeling. In a way I felt oddly maternal and yet it was very sexy. He seemed so trusting and I kept saying, “I will never leave you Jack, I promise, I will never ever leave you.” And I really meant it.

kissing in the car

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Journal Entry #12 Going Home

  1. And now this is precisely how we become ensnared. Once we have been slighted at verbal abuse and find ourselves wondering what the heck we are doing here and then the ball drops. The apologies set in and the “I’m not worthy” speech, brings us right back to fighting to keep a relationship when we should be running away from a cycle which we don’t know is yet a cycle. 🙂

    • You are seeing how it unfolded for me. It is funny in writing I have realized that in almost all of my relationships the codependency has kicked in…
      in some form or another and very early on thething attracted me was their strengths and then some glitch where I felt the need to take care of them in another crazy aspect.

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