Boundaries Journal #26

shower7

 I got up the next morning and went to school. I think maybe I’d slept two hours. I stood in the shower crying. My head pounded as I dried my hair and got dressed.  I could barely think about anything while I was there. I only had two classes and then my journal class but I don’t check in with Mrs. Walker till next week.  So I could have left early and almost got in my car to drive to the hospital a million times. But it had been raining all day and I wasn’t used to driving on the freeways in the rain. And it just gave me more time to really think about everything. I knew that Jack would be thinking that I was just like everyone else running away from him when things got tough. Even though he “literally” drove me away. I realized what he was doing before we even fought about it. But I just couldn’t be the one this time to give in. I’d felt so stupid chasing him around the streets of Montery Park until I was convinced that he was actually trying to lose me. But I was prepared and nailed him when he finally tried to make the excuses that I’d already known he’d make.

spitfite green in rain

Finally last night as I pulled into my neighborhood his car was parked just inside the entrance where it was impossible to miss him. I stopped because I just didn’t want to make a scene in front of my house and my dad was home this week and well, he would never tolerate the way Jack tends to get. I pulled in front of him and he got out and I moved my books and he got in. I waited for him to start talking. And he started in right away about how I just fell off the face of the planet but how it was to be expected because he couldn’t count on anyone in his life.

couple in a car

I have discovered in dealing with Jack, when he gets like that, the best way to handle him, is to just apologize and sympathize with how he is feeling. NOT this time. I’d had it. And I’d had time to do plenty of thinking. There’d been a time when I’d even jumped on his car’s hood crying when he screeched away, trying to get him to stay and talk. Never again. I was ready.  I put my hand up to stop him. This time he was going to hear me out.

sad girl in a car

I told him that I didn’t even want to talk about what happened when I was supposed to be following him. I told him that he knew exactly what he was doing and that I didn’t know where I was going and he lost me. He started to interrupt and I held up my hand and he actually stopped talking and let me continue which I have to admit kind of empowered me. I said that I knew that it was an uncomfortable situation with his mom and that he’d always dealt with it himself and that it why when he’d come home, he’d lose his the girl and the semester. I told him that if he got it together this time, I was in it for the long haul and he wasn’t going to lose the girl. All of a sudden, he just relaxed and reached for me but I held firm and again held up my hand and he rolled his eyes and I smiled and kind of laughed. And told him that I was serious that he really did need to get his act together. That I knew he lost me because he didn’t know what else to do. But it hurt my feelings and he’s lucky I am smart enough to figure it out. But I meant it. He needed to get his act together. Then I let him in for the hug and it was different than any we’d ever shared before. It was as if we’d both grown up a little.

kissing in car

FYI….Biggest Secret for Your Lack of Followers!

wordpress wrench

I am so frustrated… I just tried to find another blogger that I would love to follow and they did not list their address on their BIO page!

Have you? A lot of people don’t realize it… but their link is not listed on their BIO page and they are missing a lot of traffic….

Soooo…  Do you know when you read a comment from someone and you click on their Avatar (picture/name) to get to their link to their blog? Well, some people have failed to link their address to their Avatar, which is their initial intro. It is like your front door to your blog… if people aren’t finding you already knowing your address.

I am not sure why wordpress does not make it a little more clear when signing up, because there are so many who still do not include their link to their blog on their avatar.

I really think that it should just be an automatic thing that is mandatory when creating a new blog… but so many still are missing it…

 

This is just a freindly quick reminder for those of you who still have not figured out that you need to post your wordpress link to your avatar. (picture/name) here on your blog! I have recently tried to return the favor and find some of you who have come on to my blog and cannot reply or respond to your comments or visit your blogs because I cannot find you.

I have inserted a great tutorial below that a friend of mine made about how to insert your blog’s address.

http://nostolencatpictures.com/2013/08/24/gravitar-links/

Just for Your Information!

blog readers

Journal Entry #25 The Soul Never Forgets

notebooks

 

Dear Journal

I went exactly four days before I gave in. Sorry to give you the spoiler before I tell you the story but I kind of have to start at the end and then go back to the beginning because I haven’t written here for a while.

k

composition book

Side note:

*You see, as I enter my writings here on this thing we call a computer, several days and sometimes weeks may have gone by in the journals I have found and am working from, so please bear with me…

Back in the days when these were written, there were no computer documents, and files were just the ones they used to keep in a drawer. The stack and stacks of books that I have here are all different, some are leather bound, some are just those black and white composition notebooks, the ones still sold in the stationery section of most drugstores. They were all dated and most were initialed by Mrs. Walker and handed back.  A few continued long after Mrs. Walker’s classes ended but not all were kept. I am thinking that we tend to try to throw out all traces of what hurt us….  so that may be why there are gaps and why it is confusing and why I must work from memory here because…..

some things a soul can never forget. Not even many decades later).

composition pile of          more to come….

Entry #24 Cat and Mouse

  kitchen wall phone

I got an emergency call from Jack after school on Thursday. I was just walking in the door when the phone rang. He sounded relieved when he heard it was me and all he said was that his mom was at a hospital called Garfield Medical Center near her house and he gave me the number and told me to call for directions and then hung up before I had a chance to say anything else. I stood there staring at the phone and then said hello? I  looked at the paper where I’d jotted down the number on and duitfully called it. A professional sounding woman gave me directions and I was relieved to hear that  the freeways sounded familiar, so I scribbled a note to my mom and hopped in the car  with my directions.

 When I found the nurse’s station on Liz’s floor I asked for her room number and if they’d seen Jack. They directed me to her room and I still did not know what was going on until I saw Jack  walking out and he quickly steered me away from everyone as I looked over my shoulder at an older woman sitting by the door and asked Jack who she was and he told me that she was a “sitter” and then said “my mom took a crapload of pills and they had to pump her stomach.”  I just stood there for a minute and felt numb. He looked so weary and so young and  I just grabbed him and hugged him and told him I was loved him and was sorry and at first he let me hug him and fell into my arms and held me tight and then without warning, he kind of jerked away and pulled from my arms and said he had to go take care of some insurane papers. He almost seemed mad at me. But I understood.  I knew It all sucked for him. He had done this all before, he’d told me and so had  Richard.

scolding

Jack told me to go to his mom’s room and he’d be back in a few minutes and then just walked away. I really just wanted to wait, to go in the room with him because  stuff like this just doesn’t happen in my family. I didn’t want to go in alone! I didn’t know what to say.  I walked past the older lady sitting at the door. She smiled at me  kindly. I felt sorry for her  that she had to sit there.  When I walked through the door Liz was yelling and I realized it was at that lady to go away. She was saying she didn’t need a babysitter. All of a sudden I just got so mad. Not just at what was happening then, but everything that I knew about how unreasonable and selfish she’d been through the years and I told her to “Just stop it!” I told her that the lady had to sit there because of what she did, and didn’t want to be there anymore than Liz wanted her there, and if she didn’t shut up, I was going to leave and not come back. To my surprise she stopped and apologized and even leaned over and sweetly apologized to the woman sitting outside the door. I was caught off guard and when I turned to see what the woman’s reaction was,  I saw Jack standing there smiling at me proudly.

We stayed for a while and talked and then promised that we’d go and feed her cat and bring her back some things tomorrow. We were going to stay at her house. We’d called and gotten everything cleared for the next day so we could deal with what needed to be done and my parents said I could stay over at Liz’s. Jack told me to follow him. So as I backed out, he pulled up behind me and we began going down familiar looking side streets. At first I figured we were just going a  short cut that Jack knew. And when I missed a light I panicked because I didn’t know exactly where I was but was releived when he pulled over. But not long enough for me to really catch up. For a while we seemed to be playing this weird cat and mouse game until I was almost in tears.

STEERING WHEEL

Finally, he actually screeched off. I sat there stunned. My heart was racing my head was spinning and I felt the same feeling I’d felt sailing that day. I began to question what I was doing chasing him around Montery Park. So I turned around and drove until I found a freeway I recognized and went home. At first I was crying and then I was just angry. When I walked in the door my mom asked what had happened to Jack’s mom. I had to tell her. But I made it sound like it was an accident. I told her that I was going to bed and that I’d decided not to stay over because I had a test tomorrow and Jack could handle his mom and if he called to tell him I was asleep and then I lay awake all night long tossing and turning trying to understand what had happened.

sad girl thinking

Dear Journal Entry #23 Catching up!!!!

Dear Journal,

Liz is back at work and seems to be doing better. I was able to help her get caught up or should I say, had been keeping up with most of her  duties along with mine, so she didn’t have so much to do when she returned. She seemed grateful and pretty surprised. I think that she thought that she was going to come back to a huge mess.

woman sitting at typewriter

I  think that Richard stays on his boat some nights and at their house other nights but they laugh and joke in the office like old friends so it’s nice to  feel the positive change, which has taken some of the pressure off of Jack who always seems to feel as if he has to shoulder the burden of whatever is going on with his mom. He shared more stories  with me about how he received scholarships to go away to two schools and his mom called him both times with emergencies interrupting his semesters, causing him to lose a bunch of credits during both school years. It made me so angry to hear that. It made it a little easier for me to tell her about my job at TheSpeech and Language Develpment School in Buena Park but she sounded so happy for me. Happier then Jack seemed to be. She was so nice when I told her that I had to leave that  I felt a little guilty. Not that I would have stayed longer at Amber Oil, school was starting and it was all supposed to be temporary anyway, but I did learn a lot and I could even have more work experience credits if I needed them, which I don’t! If I took a test, I could probably graduate this month!

I do have some exciting news to catch you up on! My dad came home about a month ago, with a new job possibility for Jack! He is one of the Vice Presidents of Marketing at his computer company in El Segundo and he said that there was an entry level computer operator opening there and I know Jack was touched that my dad would even think of him. And I was happy because I think maybe he was thinking about our future together! Anyway, I wasn’t sure that Jack would even be interested. I mean, he’d never even talked about computers and he was already working for his mom and Richard. But he did seem interested and took the card he gave him and decided to apply and he got the job! My dad just told him that no one but Jack’s bosses boss knew his relationship to my dad and he was to keep it that way!

business card

Jack was so serious and cute and shook my dad’s hand and said “Yes sir.” I laughed so hard later mimicking him. So now he still works for Amber Oil three days a week in the day doing sales and Monday through Thursday nights from 3 to 12 he will work at CSCC!. He is so excited and wants to go back to college to finish his degree in Computer Sciences and my dad seemed so proud and came home the other day and said he heard good reports so far and to keep up the good work.

shaking hands2

We took a drive that night to go celebrate everything while it was still getting dark later. Earlier that summer, we’d found this spot on the cliffs nearby, where we’d watch the sun set and sometimes even watched it rise on the days we’d wake up early enough in the summer when my parents were out of town and it was really warm outside. Jack would pick me up and we’d pile up a bunch of blankets and pillows in the car and go up there when it was still dark.  It was so fun kind of like camping out just waiting for the sun with a thermos of coffee. Half the time we’d  miss  it because we’d get caught up in kissing or whatever else we happened to be doing and lie half naked, tangled up in each other, on the top of the hill looking up at the stars,  as we could hear the waves breaking below.

kissing on the beach

Dear Journal #22 New Jobs

journall

Dear Journal,

I am sorry. It has been a while since I’ve posted. Even though I have made a deal with Mrs. Walker to try to keep up with you daily, she said that as long as I had a certain number of pages she would give me credit so the next few entries will be catching up. Sorry about that! And just so you know… I am not just coming back for the credit… I really have begun to enjoy my time writing here.

A+

I wasn’t sure how I was going to gracefully move out of my job at Amber Oil even though summer was half over, but I got a job at a dental office in Hawthorne. It was short-lived. It was at a clinic which was in a pretty bad area. Not that Amber Oil is,  in the best area, in the industrial section East of Los Angeles but I was so surprised when I stopped at a grocery store with a friend that I’d made there on the way back  to work after lunch, and there were armed guards outside the doors! So after a few month I left that job. I saw the writing on the wall there anyway. The turn over was crazy.

scroc dental

 

I actually had an interesting call the other day from Betty, one of my mom’s customers turned friends. Okay so let me explain…When I was about eleven, my mom started doing art shows and ever since I was very small, she’s always done something artsy. But my dad especially liked to walk around at different local art shows on his weekends off. He works a lot of hours but he always seemed to relax walking around looking at artwork and talking to artists. So he bought my mom some paints and she began painting these paintings of kids and forest scenes that actually were pretty good. She gave a few as gifts and began getting orders. So once my dad asked the organizer of one of the larger art shows how to get in and got my mom in. He built her A-frames for her exhibits and helped her set up. Soon she began having customers come to the house and that is where I met Betty.

artshow1

Betty was a good customer and purchased several paintings for her kid’s rooms by the time I met her. Usually, I’d run in and run out and my mom would call me in to meet a customer. I’d roll my eyes and run down the hall to her paint room and paint a smile on my face and shake their hands and take a minute for small talk and excuse myself but something made me stick around that day. This was probably about a year before I met Jack because I’d just gotten my license. Anyway,  I stayed to play with Betty’s little girl Christina. She was about six or seven and couldn’t talk, not one word. Well, she could say no (smile) but she was so smart and I was so intrigued. Betty told me that Christina had something called Aphasia and that she was going to a wonderful school in Buena Park that was teaching her to talk.

balloon little girl

I told her that I’d be glad to babysit sometime. I am not sure why. I was way past the babysitting place in my life. But there was something that drew me to that little girl. So I began taking Christina out on outings. We’d go to the park or to the library and I’d sit with her at story time. Or I’d take her to the mall and we’d ride the merry-go-round and then one day I bought her a balloon.  She kept pointing at it and I kept asking her if she wanted it and she kept nodding and I kept telling her to tell me what she wanted. Finally she said B-A-L-L-O-O-N!!! I freaked out! I was so happy! I bought her three! and we counted them and we talked about what color they were. She loves blue so she pointed to two blue ones so we talked about how there were two blue ones! And when I brought her home I said ….”Christina, tell your mom what you’ve got!” And she held them behind her back even though they were flying RIGHT over her head and  said… “bawooon” and Betty looked at me and cried. Later that month Betty took me to Christina’s school and she worked it out for me to volunteer two days a month during my sophomore year. (That is why I have so many credits and along with the ones I got from SCROC last year, can graduate so early.) Well, she called a few days ago and said that they missed me and they let her call to tell me that they wanted to offer me a real paying job working in the Pre-K class next year when I graduate in January!!!!

When Jack and I first met and we were getting to know each other,  I told him about Christina and the school and he seemed so proud of me and was even supportive about me wanting to explore going to school to become a Speech Therapist but we never really talked about it again. And then one time, when we ran into them at the market he was so sweet with Christina and it was my turn to be proud.  Betty even caught my eye and winked at me, as if she was telling me that she thought he was a good guy. But when I called him all excited about my job offer he got real quiet.

An Explanation of this Blog… Before Entry #22

writing a blog

Before you guys read…  If you are just finding this blog… It is probably best to read my ABOUT page so you understand what this is all about…

writing tablests

A synopsis would be… that all of this actually happened and is all true. It is a peek into a young girl’s diary which began as an assignment in her High School English class but became a bittersweet keepsake for her decades later. A journal filled with an adolescent account of the journey of an innocent girl caught up in falling in love with a good guy, caught up in his own demons from his past, leading into a world of abuse and love and loss and second chances.

If you are really interested, it will make more sense if you go back to entry #1 and work your way up to catch up and follow.  The writer is Keri and the other names were changed also to protect the innocent or perhaps not so innocent.

In my book, I am going to place all of these journal entries right after this chapter… (BELOW*)  and then I will end the book in the same third person format… please let me know what you think about this….

Please Click on THIS LINK*

http://dianereedwiter.wordpress.com/2012/11/01/update-like-a-postcard-or-something-like-that/

If you actually are following me and are reading this in order… I kneel before you in and bow in appreciation! Thank you for your support!!!!

xoxo

k

Journal Entry #21 My Summer Job

Dear Journal,

I feel the tension in the air. On Friday nights I have found myself sitting on my floor typing out invoices that I can’t get done at work because I am doing Liz’s job too. I am not sure what is going on. The first month, she was there everyday and was such a wonderful teacher. She said I was a fast learner and Jack seemed so proud. I guess that is a good thing because she hasn’t been IN a lot this month.

writing matters

She has not been feeling well and not been coming in. Richard seems very sad. This company was his mom’s and once when we were talking he told me that sometimes he just wants to go find a broom pushing job and be done with it all. He says he is tired. I felt so bad for him. He just wanted someone to talk to so I stopped and listened and let him talk and he poured his heart out. I wasn’t sure what to say because I’ve never really heard my parent’s fight. But he just seemed happy to have someone to talk to. He just sat there with his hands folded on his desk looking so lost.

hands folded on desk

He said he doesn’t care about the money or the houses or the cars and boats anymore and that he would be happy living on his sailboat that he has docked at the Marina or just a small room somewhere.

sailboat docked2

He just wants to go anywhere where there is not fighting.  Jack seems worried and pretty stressed out and doesn’t seem so happy at work anymmore either. I think that he just wants a normal family so bad and so believed that if we all worked together it would all magically be okay. But it’s not. Like I said, Liz has been a good teacher but I am afraid that I can only do so much. It is pretty busy and one of the truckers that works for Richard  has come in to help me, but for the most part. I am alone in the office and somedays I just want to cry. I think Jack has come into the office a few times when I was just about to, and sat down to answer the phones to try to help out. But there really should be more than two people in there, it is so busy.

typing at desk

I turned 18 right before summer and so I have started looking for dental assisting jobs. The plan was that I would just work for part of the summer anyway so I will finish out next month and  will have saved up enough from my pay checks for my dad to help me buy a car.  I only have a few units left to finish  my Senior year and am hoping  to graduate in December so I can work my way into a full time job somewhere else. I keep looking over at that empty desk and wonder if Jack’s mom is ever coming back.

desk empty corner

 My summer has definitely not turned out to be the way Laurie and I imagined it would be. So much for having the summer off! Jack and I are almost done with our Soaring lessons. We have been faithfully going every Saturday. Sometimes we spend the night in Corona at a motel or we have even camped in a tent at Lake Elsinore. My instructor Glen is so sweet. He is about fifty and from Scotland. He has this great accent and everytime he greets me he says; “Top of the morning!” Instead of hello. So I had a tee shirt made for him and plan to give it to him when I finally solo. Jack is talking about buying a plane. He made friends with an older man named Steve who flies at the Glider Port. He already has a power license and his solo license . He has talked to Jack about maybe buying one together as co-owners. We met him a few weeks ago to look at one in Hemet but it is just a one seater. But that is just fine with me. The plan is that they will take turns sharing it, every other weekend.

 

glidersI know that I can’t suggest it until we have both soloed, because I want to finish what I started. But I really have no desire to do anything more than to maybe say that I actually soloed.  I was hoping that Jack might make some friends of his own so that I can hang out with my friends. They are beginning to get annoyed and Laurie wants me to help her move to her dorms. I am not sure how to bring it up. I am sure he is going to feel that I don’t want to be with him but that’s not it at all. I just want to be with my friends too.

friends talking at a round table

Journal Entry #20

Dear Journal,

Well, my mom and Lonnie are in Seattle and my dad is traveling so much that it is hard to keep up with if he is home or not but he calls me everyday and I am supposed to be checking in and staying at Laurie’s when he is out of town. Now that school is out, Jack and I drive together in the morning and come home at night. Liz like’s me working full time and I have to admit that it is pretty nice having my own money. I put most of it away. Jack spoils me and won’t let me pay when we go out. So I try to make lunch for us and pack it and I usually eat through lunch anyway. Sometimes Jack will come and pick me up and we will go get something quick. But Liz is beginning to depend on me more and sometimes I am the only one in the office.

The other day one of the truckers came in and asked me to hold something. He motioned for me to hold out my hand and I did and when I realized that he had poured a bunch of “whites” in my hand I pulled my hand away and they spilled all over my desk. He and the other guys laughed. They think I am innocent. And well yeah, when it comes to stuff like that I am!

white pills on a desk

 

I guess they take them to stay awake but I hate drugs and Jack didn’t think it was a bit funny when I told him about it. Though for the most part, they are nice guys. I love to look inside their cabs. Some of them even have refrigerators and toilets and one even had a water bed! He told me I could try it out but I rolled my eyes and said “NO thanks!” I am beginning to catch on to their jokes.

 

Liz seems to be showing up less. I think that she and Richard might be having trouble. I can tell that Jack is worried. Things are tense when she is around so I like it when she is not there. I know how to answer the phones and do the billing now and if I can’t answer a question, I just take a message and know someone will answer it. Jack has been telling me about some horrible dreams he has been having about his childhood. I think being around his mom more stirs up a lot of pain and memories. He has been doing so well and his mom seems proud of him. I really have not seen her evil side yet but he keeps assuring me it is there. He kind of reminds me of a little boy just wanting to please his mom. It makes me so sad.

fog couple2

I’m a vapor falling upon your skin

You are my favorite scent

I breathe you in

Your words have filled me

Your sorrow has killed me

crying couple

I try to pull you out of your pain

and watch you wander there again and again.

I want to kiss your sadness away

to erase your memory of yesterday.

sad corner boy

but a thousand kisses can’t pay the debt

kissing

or pay the ransom that will make you forget.

Keri London

1974 c

STAYING

breathe

You fill a room so full

that I can’t breathe,

You make me feel your need

so I can’t leave.

doorway

I try to catch my breath

and gasp for air,

you are my oxygen

no longer there.

I feel like a game piece

folded pagesssssss

just being played,

an unread book not  sure

I’m glad I stayed.

game pieces

And then you come in

and mess up the game,

and nothing inside

is ever the same.

I’m not sure I like

the way that you play…

doorway kiss

And yet I know

I’ve decided to stay.

Keri London

1974 c