#33 Bruises

 

Dear Journal,

I don’t want to be writing this right now but I have a feeling that I need to have it written down somewhere so that I can look back and remember just what happened. I am still not sure what I am going to do about all this but for now I am just numb.

Jack has been working for his mom a few days a week and also at the computer operator job that my dad got him at night fulltime, and I have been working at the Speech And Languge Center  in Buena Park during the day and taking some  classes at college for Speech Therapy a few nights a week this Semester  and  and so we have not had a lot of time together. I always want to be with Jack first. And if I have a night off, I will surprise him and bring him dinner so we can spend time together.

This weekend Jack talked me into going Soaring. We hadn’t been for a while  I don’t feel that comfortable  flying Jack’s new plane and I really needed to study but I told him that I would go with him and wait while he went up, but that I needed to study for a test on Monday and didn’t want to fly. He seemed okay with that. But when I told him that I needed to change since I only had shorts on. He said that I looked just  fine in an impatient tone, so I grabbed my books and hopped in the car and we drove to Lake Elsinore. It was a beautiful day. Jack bought an orange Honda Civic with a sunroof when he started driving back and forth  to work at his mom’s company everyday to save  gas which is almost seventy cents a gallon now! I remember when I first started driving it was about half that! I’m so glad I have my little Fiat that gets over thrity miles per gallon.

Anyway, I could tell that he was in that kind of mood. He started rubbing the back of his his neck and  I reached over to massage it and he shrugged me off which hurt my feelings. So I just stared out the window and he turned on the radio. I started watching all the people driving by and saw that a lot of people were happy and talking and laughing and suddenly felt so lonely. I almost wished that I’d stayed home. I’d like to tell you that it got better but it only got much worse.

Jack had gone in with another pilot and  purchased a plane with him a few months earlier. He’d been so excited and I loved seeing him so happy.  It’s orange like his car and much lighter than  the heavy rental gliders the glideport provides. He really is a wonderful pilot and can stay up for two hours or more at a time unlike my twenty two minute record.  Like I said I am not comfortable flying it so I still have to fly the rentals but I am happy that it makes Jack happy and have no problem waiting for him whenever he wants to go. I mean I really don’t mind at all. I always bring an apple and visit my favorite horse “Pal” that stays on the property at the glider port and study and really do enjoy hanging out with him and brushing him.

Jack went into the office to pay for his tow and when he came out he  threw me his car keys so that I could sit in if I wanted to and then asked me to help him  roll his plane out to the chalk line where the tow plane picks up the gliders. I followed him out to where they have the plane stored and began helping unhook it with him. I felt the tension building even  before he picked up the tail and I lifted the wing. That is when he yelled at me that I was picking up or pushing the wing the wrong way. I’m not sure what happened but something in me broke. Maybe it was driving in a dead silent car for almost 2 hours or the way he was jerking around having a tantrum in his own head all day long or the ridiculing tone of voice that he used when he barked at me but I’d had it too. I swung around and just snapped and  asked him why he even wanted me here and said some other things I can’t remember and asked him if I made him so miserable why was he even with me. That did it. He told me to get in the car. No, he pretty much roared it.

I watched as he hooked his plane back up without my help and then braced myself for the ride home.  He backed out of the parking lot and then screeched out of the glider port as I ducked my head trying to avoid  any eye contact since we both knew everyone. I could still felt the apple for Pal in my pocket as he started driving about 85 miles an hour. I told him to let me out. I tried to have absolutely no emotion. He looked at me and  I saw someone else in his eyes as he balled up his fist and brought it down hard on my thigh. I was shocked and gasped as the pain made me nauseous. And then the blows came, over and over and over and over again while driving close to ninety miles an hour. Raging about how he couldn’t catch a break and how he had two jobs and all he wanted was one day of peace on his only day off and was that too much to ask? He’d always been the one to yell. I’d never even raised my voice before. But as I watched his fist land another blow on my already purple leg.  Finally I’d had enough and  screamed STOP! Until I had no more voice.

He pulled over on the side of the freeway and got out of the car and threw me the keys as they landed on passenger floor and without looking at me said; you drive and instead of going to the other side and getting in, just started walking. I just sat there. Numb. I’d yelled so loud I felt as if my throat was bleeding. But it got him to stop.  I sat there in my shorts and halter top and tried to ignore my throbbing leg.  I began coughing and crying and trying to forget what happened.  I’m not sure how long I sat there like that and then finally I limped around to the driver’s side of the car put the key in the igniton and put the car in first and merged into the traffic and stayed in the slow lane all the way home and just drove. I never saw Jack or knew where he might have gone and for the first time…. I didn’t care.

bruises

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21 thoughts on “#33 Bruises

  1. So so sorry 😦
    So then he must have apologized…maybe even bought you a present…? That was my experience…presents were supposed to fix everything…make it okay. It didn’t. So happy that you are posting…hang in there…you can do this!

    • Some are and some are googled just so you can get the picture so to speak. But my book of course won’t have pictures. It is just something I do here to help you all follow!
      😉

  2. That is so disgusting. I knew this was coming as it was a familiar thing for me in the past. I wish this was Keri’s exit cue but I have a good hunch there will be more! 🙂

  3. Yep Debbie,
    You know that you know what I know 😉
    The thing is that this has already happened. No one can stop it from happening to me but I am trying to tell my story in hopes that someone can see how ignorant I was and see themselves in my words and be empowered.
    Ya know?
    thanks my friend for always being here!!!!!
    Do I love ya or what?! 🙂
    xoxo
    k

    • I keep getting affirmations from the ones whose opinions I value most. Thank you. My aim is to show how subtle it can happen and how deep the denial can go even though those observing are objective and can totally see the truth. I am hoping that those who are in their own denial might be able to see the truth through Keri’s experience and innocence and find their way out.
      Your time that you take in reading something that is obviously more of a chick’s flick type of blog makes me so grateful for your time and comments. Thank you. I can only hope that when all is said and done. My story can make a difference to at least one.
      xoxo

  4. Uhm…. I’m sorry, but my gut tells me you have to reflect seriously whether you want to still be with him or not. I don’t know any backstory, but, uhm, that bruise on your leg is nasty ! ! It’s gonna get worse, by the way. I don’t know.

  5. I just wanted to stop in here and remind everyone that my story has already evolved. There is no saving me from my horrific choices. I have lived through them and learned. My goal for sharing my story is in the process of telling and I am hoping that those who are allowing abuse at any level might see themselves in me and get a wake up call. I am here to tell you that though some of Jack’s behaviors are horrific. He is not a monster. He is actually a wonderful person and that is what is confusing. Even wonderful people can have bad behavior and make poor choices. But the deal here is that everyone can forgive anything but that does not mean that they need to keep putting themselves back in the path of disaster.

  6. The mother in me found myself angry again as I read in the last post about him being irritated at you for nothing, and you were so excited wanting to make the place into a sweet little home. Then as I read this post. I wanted to grab some big burly man who has a little girl of his own and have him hunt that boy down and teach him a lesson. I know he had something wrong with him, and didn’t have a good childhood, but there is just no excuse for the way he behaved.

    Blessings,
    Theresa

    • Theresa
      lol my phone has your name remembered into my phone now! I love it.
      I sure wish i had you around back then 🙂
      I am hoping that this generates the same outrage in women going through similar things and realize it’s NOT okay. I love how you added that you understand that he has something in him wrong too and are keeping that in mind. THAT is what I am trying to keep at the core of this. How we make excuses. At least I did. Cuz his behavior was monstrous at times but he really wasn’t a monster.
      Now I see I was mixing my loyalties up. As a young girl, I was protecting the wrong one. When it should have been me that I was loyal to.
      I love the comments. I will remember guys when this is published♡♡

  7. Theresa
    You GET it and I can’t ask for more. You have invested time in reading and that means so much. But on top of that, you actually understand. And I can’t tell you how affirming YOU especially have been. I hope we meet someday. I’m so glad that your slip is showing. 😉
    And if anything that I write helps you blesses me. I think that because of you I’ll be able to finally finish. Love you Theresa.
    Xoxox
    di

  8. The piece really rings true, absolutely. The tension and the explosion were perfectly described. Your idea of writing your journal from the past forward is so interesting. I’m so glad you showed up on my blog. You’ve got a new follower!

    • Jan!
      I am so happy that you are following. I am honored! Thank you for taking the time to read and follow!
      I have been working out getting my email hacked so have just gotten back to responding to my comments and I am so happy to read yours!
      xoxo
      k

  9. I know writing this book has taken you down a familiar road and likely opened up emotions you had long since put away. Having said that, I think you have done a beautiful job expressing yourself in a way that will stir up emotions in others and that’s not necessarily a bad thing if it helps a young girl to avoid the poor choices you made back then. You are an amazing woman and the more I learn about you and your strength, the more I admire you. Obviously, I’m not commenting on each entry but liking them so you know I’m still hooked! Hugs!

    • Leah,
      Wow. I am blown away by the time you have taken reading my rough draft of Keri’s journals. I have been knee deep in the side of things where I almost finished the ending of my book, the other side of Keri’s story as an adult. Your observation is my goal and your words are like amazing gifts!
      >>>>if it helps a young girl to avoid the poor choices you made back then<<<<
      Wow, wow, wow! Thank you! THAT is exactly my prayer! Thank you! I am so touched by your following my posts that I am at a loss for words and that my friend is a miracle because I always can find the words! 😉
      I must say that you have my heart forever!
      I love you!!!!
      Keri
      aka
      Di 😉

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