Dear Journal,

I wore pants for the next three weeks after that weekend even though it was the end of August and reeeally hot. When I got to Jack’s  to drop off his car. I parked it in front of his house and dropped the keys through the mail box slot. I could have sworn I saw someone look through the curtains but  I was so done with everything about him. And then I realized that he had my books and all my other stuff too. I woke up the next day and realized that I’d have to go back  sometime and get my things and especially my books right away because I still had that test on that Monday night. I had my own set of keys so I called in sick on Monday and waited till I knew that Jack would be gone.

When I drove up, his car was no where to be seen. I was hoping to just slip in and out but Jess was outside mowing his lawn. I waved and he smiled and nodded. I decided that I would just get my books and go and come back another time for my other stuff. All the blinds were drawn and it was dark. There were six empty beer cans on the coffee table. My heart stood still. Jack did not drink. Period.  He hated his mom’s drinking and so just didn’t do it. I was so confused. I had to remind myself that I was just going to grab my books and leave and then I realized that I’d left the book I needed in his car. I silently berated myself. I looked around trying to figure out what to take that I’d need right away when Jack walked in the door.

I jumped and grabbed my heart. He obvioulsy figured that I’d come and didn’t seem surprised to see me. I told him I needed my book. He went to the built in dresser and grabbed it. He had brought it in. He’d known that I’d need it. He explained to me that he’d tried to catch me on my way to work that morning and when he hadn’t, he came back home and found my car here. I told him that I called in sick and then he said “I see that.”

His eyes were sad and he looked hollow. He started to say sorry and I held up my hand to stop him and  unbuttoned and unzipped and then slipped my pants down so that he could see my leg. He dropped to his knees and kissed my bruises and cried. I wanted to push him away and run but all I could do was cry too.  He lifted me up and took me to his unmade bed and all the  planned speeches I’d rehearsed seemed to fall from my head. Jack loved me like he’d never had before.

Later I asked about the beer cans and he agreed that it was a stupid thing to do but that it made him just pass out rather than go hunt me down and try to make ammends before I was ready. He told me that he had a fight with his mom and quit Amber Oil and that I’d gotten the brunt of it. She’d said some horrible things to him and didn’t know where to go with it. I told him that I wished that he’d told me about it and that maybe if we’d talked about it that might have helped. But I must say that I never thought that the next time that I wrote in you that it would be telling you that I was still with Jack.

I finished my modeling classes and have been asked out a few times so I know that Jack is not the only boy who would ever like me, like he likes to tell me when we get in our fights. But if I hadn’t thought that we’d be together forever I never would have made love with him. I really was saving myself for the one I was going to marry and I really do want it to be Jack.



5 thoughts on “#34

    • If anything, it is therapy. Exhausting though. Funny how the timing of writing this coincides with needing to let go all over again. And your point my friend, about the leopard spots, well it is pretty epic. Because he couldn’t change them then and I’m pretty sure I would have found them again if I’d been dumb enough to have opened that door up a little wider.
      more keri these days 😉

      • Of course he couldn’t change. People like Jack cannot change no matter how much they want to unless they succeed by having and abiding to lots of therapy. Don’t forget…I once had my own Jack so although I don’t know your ending, I can identify with Keri because I was once her. Based on her character so far, she will keep making excuses for him and find forgiveness because she truly believes he loves her and I believe he does too.But it is a sickness, something I or Keri didn’t get grasp until we either reach a breaking point, the last straw so to speak…or we are killed. Now I am still here and so are you so thankfully it didn’t end that way. :)xo

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