#47 Dear Journal Suicide

ironing board waiting

Dear Journal,

I know it’s been a few weeks since I posted after I told you that Jack and I got engaged and I am sorry but it’s been hard to sit down to even think or gather my thoughts like I like to when I write to you. But let me explain…

I guess there is just NO way to say it but     bluntly.

I am not sure how such joy can turn into such sadness in just the blink of an eye. Like I said, it’s been a few weeks since the funeral and I am not sure how to even begin. I know I need to, because writing in you has become my soft place to fall, a place to perhaps even help me remember someday. But this is something that I don’t need to write down because I know I will never forget these last few days.

I don’t know how to even write it except to just say it. Liz is dead.

We were going to tell her about our being engaged that night of the day that they found her. I guess Rachel had been keeping in touch with her. The pattern usually was Jack would run to her from wherever he was. Even another state going to school. But I was the one who’d stopped him from doing that. I thought I was protecting him. I thought that I was helping them break a bad habit and to stop the madness. I didn’t expect her to kll herself.

I was ironing what I was going to wear that night. I was so happy. I was suprised that a lot of my friends were not thrilled about my news about being engaged, including my mom who kept saying that we should have a LONG engagement. I just knew that Liz would be happy for us. But I wanted to be firm with her and set up boundaries. I kept thinking about if we had babies how I would feel uncomfortable leaving them with her and how I didn’t want to feel that way about my own mother in law and now I didn’t have to worry. She was gone. I would never have to worry about that again.

I kept looking at the clock. Jack was over an hour late. Finally his dad called me and said “Keri honey, I am sorry to have to tell you this over the phone, but Jack’s mom died, he will call you as soon as he can.” At first I thought something had happened to Jack but his dad is a man of few words and cut to the chase. I just hung up the phone and crumpled to the floor and stayed that way sobbing and remembering Liz from the beginnng, the fun times, and the long talks and then the not so good times and the times Jack had shared and wondered what I was thinking butting in. I just hated myself for a while and was feeling so guilty.

crying on the phone

In the days that followed Jack was stoic. We’d learned that she’d taken a lot of valium but not a lethal dose so we don’t think that this was another actual suicide attempt. The findings were that the combination of alcohol and valium is what caused her to die. But I couldn’t help but think if I had just stayed out of it and let Jack go when he wanted to, and bring her the stupid cat food she might still be here. No. She would still be here. I wonder if Jack felt the same. He was being so sweet to me but I couldn’t help it. I truly felt that I killed her and Oh Dear Journal, I am just so sad for Jack and for me and for Liz and for everyone. I can’t stop crying.

sad woman2

 

 

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “#47 Dear Journal Suicide

  1. I had a feeling she was going to kill herself when I read the part where she was about to hit him over the head with that bottle.

    What a horrible thing it was to be a young girl, and feel that kind of guilt, especially when it wasn’t her fault. This must be exhausting for you to write this all of these years later.

    Blessings,
    Theresa

    • Thank you for reading Theresa. It’s all sad that this story is from reality. As I write, I actually had to get up and walk away. I thought that I would be able to keep going but I needed a break. I think that is why it has taken so long. But I have watched our friend Debbie write her heartbreaking story; “CONFLICTED HEARTS” with a determination that inspired me. She also had to re-live her story as she wrote it. In one way, it is so therapeutic and in other ways so exhausting. But… thanks for reading… just knowing you are out there… inspires me enough to keep going!
      xoxo
      k

  2. It also takes courage…courage to do all that you did back then, and courage to make yourself vulnerable now. I hope your story somehow will get into the hands of people who are in similar situations.

    Blessings,
    Theresa

    • I love you for saying that Theresa. Thank you. Even today, I still kind of feel that it was my fault a little but some interesting events have taken place in my life not too long ago where I learned some facts about all that happened. Even so, I still agonize over the last few days. I thought that I was protecting him and trying to stop the madness that had been going on for all his life. He’d handled it up till I got involved. Anyway, I found out that she’d attempted suicide over a dozen times in her lifetime. I realize that I didn’t hand her the pills or shove them down her throat or provide the alcohol. But I’d come from a pretty benign background with minimal drama and who was I to try to FIX them? It has effected me all these years.
      IF just one girl sees herself in my story and can have the power from seeing things from a different perspective because of it, then it will be worth telling. All I know is back then, there was no Oprah even. So I felt so ashamed that I had this drama in my life going on and at the time, felt as if I was the ONLY ONE in the world going through it.

      k

  3. Poor Keri. Now carrying guilt like it is even remotely her fault. I sort of felt this would be Liz’s demise. It’s amazing how some people can do that valium and alcohol thing and live and some don’t. (MY own mother tried it plenty.) This is very sad, but not Keri’s fault.

    • Debbie,
      Yes I did reply to your long reply with another long reply. LOL. Did you see it? This is probably user error as my husband often says and it has gotten quite comical but I seem to only be able to reply to your first comment so hopefully you see my reply.
      🙂

  4. It’s so hard to write this (as it was to read it.) Almost simultaneously, I found out today that a dear friend lost her husband to suicide. I had an experience years ago when someone very dear to me also took his life. It is so disturbing to deal with this form of ending. I feel for you Di…I know that guilt and pain…so sad. It was disconcerting to have your post and the news of my friend at the same time…strange. Blessitude

    • Lorrie
      I am so sorry. I obviously have deep feelings about the subject of suicide. It is never a fair choice to make. You either have to be really hurting or very selfish. And usually a little of both.
      I have had a hard time coming back to finish but I have the day off tomorrow and will write!

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