Entry #50 The Calm….

crying on the floor younger

 

Dear Journal,
I just can’t seem to stop crying and I have no one to talk to so I come here and write to you.  I know that eventually I need to stop writing here, because after all I have not seen Mrs. Walker or not had a journal assignment from her  for almost  two years. But you are like an old faithful friend that has been there for me through it all. I’ve been dreaming about Liz a lot lately.  I seem to be having two dreams over and over again.  I can’t stop thinking about her even in my sleep. In one dream, she keeps calling and when I answer, no one is there. And in the other dream,  she has not moved to her apartment yet  and is living still in her house on Country Road, but she is not there…. And Jack and I walk in the door and Bootsie is reeeeally skinny and there is no cat food in the cupboards! I just hate going to sleep anymore and can’t really tell Jack about the dreams.

cat skinny

I’ve been reading Annie’s letters again and kind of getting lost in her story. I think that I might write about her. I have an outline in my head that I’ve been thinking of writing. But I can’t seem to snap out of it enough to get motivated. I am so sad. I just want to stay around here and hang out. Louise has invited me over a few times and she is good for me I know. She really is quite wise. I took Annie’s letters over to share with her and she loved them and my idea to write their story too. Laurie’s called a few times.  I really don’t feel like hanging out with her right now. I can’t explain it but I am crying as I write this.

girl reading letter

And it’s nothing about Jack. He’s been extra sweet. Almost like a different person, we haven’t fought since way before, I can’t even remember. He seems way more relaxed than I’ve ever seen him. I know he is sad but I feel like I act more sad than he does. It is almost as if the dark cloud over his head just transferred to mine.  He’s been working a lot in his shed and surprised me. He made the most beautiful swing for our porch. I sewed some great yellow gingham  pillows for it and he seemed so pleased.  I love that he is so handy. And he seems so happy when he’s out there. He doesn’t seem to need me in that desperate kind of way anymore that bothered me so much. It was as if he couldn’t get undressed fast enough sometimes when he’d see me. I was feeling kind of used. He’s slowed down and kisses me like when I was still innocent.

couple in apartment

Maybe that is why I feel sad. I don’t feel innocent anymore.  Reality is sinking in about so much. He still won’t talk about setting a date. Everything happened so fast. His mom died right after we got engaged and now it just seems like a touchy subject.

ring

I think that I am just bored and thinking too much. I used to be so busy.  School and work seemed to fill every hour. Now I wish that I hadn’t let Jack talk me out of going to camp this year. Kathy seemed so disappointed. He is paying for me to take a photography class at the modeling school and then said he’d pay for my portfolio pictures which is the next step “IF” I am going to do anything with the classes. I guess in the meantime I will write.

Jack’s friend Larry came over the other day. It was weird, I walked up with a basket of folded laundry after just coming back from the laundromat and found him on the porch knocking on the door. He helped me and held the basket while I unlocked the door and then kept gushing about how lucky Jack is to have me and how he doesn’t think he knows. I told him I think he does. I offered him Iced Tea and he started acting like his neck hurt. I think he was hinting for a massage. But when I came back out with the glasses I suggested that we drink them out on the swing on the porch. The next day I’d just come in from the back and heard a knock on the door and looked out the door, and there was Larry again. I wonder what that’s all about?girl in door

 

 

 

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