#51 The Calm Before The Storm

 

Dear Journal,

I think it must be that I have never had someone I loved die before. Or maybe I just don’t know what to do with the feelings of guilt that I feel. I want to ask Jack if he blames me for not letting him go see his mom when she called. I want to talk about it with him but I don’t want to make him talk about it if he doesn’t want to because after all, it has been months now. But I just can’t seem to move on inside and I still feel like I want to cry all the time.. When I wake up, I sometimes forget at first what has happened, and then I remember. I can’t stop remembering. My mom even said that maybe I need to see someone. I told her no way! That I was okay. That I would write it out. So here I am again. You know, maybe I should start praying more. I feel like this journal thing is kind of like talking to God in a way.

writingggg

I spend the night at Jack’s house a lot. I say I’m at a friend’s and they don’t ask anymore. I think they know that I’m with Jack. I’m not proud of it. The lying that is. Jack says it’s not lying. But who am I trying to fool?  Since his mom has died, everything has changed.  His house is ours  except that we  just aren’t married so I still have my bedroom at home and when summer is over I will have to go home again and sleep in my own room. But for now it is nice. We can do anything we want, anytime we want. It is so much better than sneaking around at his dad’s or at my house after my parent’s have gone to bed.  I have all my stuff, or a lot of  it at his house. Jack said that I am using him to play house and I told him that he is using me to have his way with me. He laughed and thought I was trying to be cute. I wasn’t.

  making out on top of bed

Larry kept coming around a lot when he knew Jack wouldn’t be home. I finally told Jack but he didn’t seem bothered by it. Funny, I may be young but I am not stupid. Larry is very good-looking. Did I mention that? I mean Disney Movie  Prince cute. And he knows it.  Much cuter than Jack if you liked that kind of thing. But I am attracted to the personality more than anything first and hitting on a friend’s girlfriend is not attractive to me.  I just find it strange that Jack has  been so jealous about every other guy that was doing nothing and yet when it is happening right in front of his face, he doesn’t seem to care.

Larry look alike

I introduced Larry to my friend Lindsay and they have been dating for a while now but Larry’s made it clear when they are not around that he wishes we were together. We hung out at the beach together a few weeks ago and in the waves, he was all over me. I am not sure how Jack missed it.

ocean playing

 

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8 thoughts on “#51 The Calm Before The Storm

  1. That is really strange that Jack would be jealous of other guys, but not jealous of Larry. If this were a book that I bought or checked out at the library I would probably have it all read in a day or two. I wouldn’t be able to put it down. I remember many years ago when my daughter was little I would sometimes read audio books while I cleaned house. I used to like to read books by Mary Higgens Clark….you are such a good writer.

    Blessings,
    Theresa

    • Theresa
      you my dear are such a good motivator. Your words are like precious gems. I couldn’t ask for more than what you said. As for the jealousy thing as I look back, I think that Jack was so impressed with Larry that he overlooked a lot. I, on the other hand didn’t.

    • Deb
      yes, you would think that you might have this one figured out. But it is not as contrived as it may appear. This totally slipped under his radar.
      Not to slip a spoiler in here but years later when he talked about it he seemed genuinely hurt and surprised over the whole thing. Hey as long as I have you here. I am confused. You said that you responded to my comment on that one entry. All I see is our first two long commenst but I can’t find your reply to my rebuttal second what if question about inserting the journal about just Jack but then going back to book form example; chapter 1. And referenced Anita Shreve’s writing style?

      • Ok that is so weird, sheesh you have WP probs here, lol. I will fish it out, copy it and send it to you in an email. For the records, it is posted in your comments because I can see it. Sometimes you need to check your spam folders too because comments somehow tend to end up there as well. Now, check your email! lol

      • Okay Debbie,
        So Are you talking about your comment on
        JOURNAL ENTRY #46 HAPPY NEW YEAR?
        Did you see where I commented after your comment and asked you how you felt about taking the Journal just about Jack and bringing it back around to the adult Keri reading it to her daughter referencing Chapter One?
        Sooo if you note, I took your idea and turned all the chapters into a journal. And I actually have written journals through out my life. But I feel that the whole book might be too much. Just read my last comment and let me know what you think. Or… am I not seeing a second comment and missing a complete chunk of a new response completely?

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