Journal #54 Just As I Am

church white

Dear Journal,

I am not sure if I ever wrote about this to you, but Jack and I started going to a little church behind his dad’s apartment building while he was living there. For a while, we were going pretty regularly. Jack even got baptized there. I’d been baptized a year or so before I met him and so we talked about it after a particularly moving sermon, he told me that he’d been really thinking a lot about it. So one Sunday a few weeks later, he went forward as we were singing “Just As I am”  It was such a sweet moment. I think that I will always remember it.



We’ve made friends with this couple there. Matt and Barbara. They are married! We’ve been  over to their house a few times and I have to admit that I want what they have. Sometimes Barb invites us to her parent’s house who also go to that  church,  actually her whole family goes there. She told us that  she’s grown up there. Matt on the other hand, never went to  church before he met her but is very involved now. They have a real neat story.

I love going over to her mom’s house with Jack for those Sunday Suppers. Jack always seemed to crave anything family and loves going too. Probably even more than I do, even though he makes me beg him everytime to pleeeease go after we get in the car. He always acts like he doesn’t want to but always gives in and ends up having a good time every single time. One day he picked up a guitar that they had lying around and began strumming it and Barb’s dad told him how good he was. Jack acted nonchalant when he thanked him, but I knew he was beaming on the inside. Anytime my dad compliments him, it means a lot.



Not too long after that he started bringing the guitar that his dad gave him a few years ago to youth group and he actually has a really good voice. It seems when we are going to church more often, Jack is kinder and less angry. Though, since we moved into our little house in Lomita we don’t go as much and I guess that even though we are not officially living together I am kind of embarrassed that we are engaged without a date so I haven’t pushed going. But I have to admit that everytime I do go, it kind of  feels like coming home and being welcomed just as I am or just as we are. Though in a way, I always feel as if I am faking it.

baby shower1


The other day, I saw Barb because I was invited to a baby shower and she called and said that she would pick me up because it was over in Lomita.  When  we were getting in her car to drive home, she asked if I had a good time just as I was reaching in her backseat to get my sweater,  I just blurted out…. “Sometimes when I go to these things, I feel like I am just faking it and everyone knows it.” And without missing a beat she laughed and said to me… “Keri, everyone there is faking it!” She cracks me up. And we had a good laugh. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. It felt good.


car laughing


I thought about it all the way home. I guess she is right. I guess that maybe I am not the only one who feels kind of out of place and it’s pretty cool to realize that God loves me anyway, just as I am, right where I am. And no one can take that away from me.





8 thoughts on “Journal #54 Just As I Am

  1. This touches me so deeply. No matter what age we are we all struggle with feeling like we are faking it. In my case, I have to fight those feelings that tell me that I am the only one who doesn’t measure up…that I am the only one who doesn’t have a perfect family, perfect everything.

    It is so easy to get into the habit of thinking people are ‘all’ good or ‘all’ bad, and to compare ourselves to what we ‘perceive’ others are like. I know that the only times I am not that way is when I am having quiet time reading the Bible and praying. It is amazing how many times I have to start my prayers over again…and how at times I am thinking wrong thoughts just seconds after saying ‘amen’.

    I am so thankful I read this today. Lately I have been slipping. Today was really yucky. This helped me to refocus on what is important.


  2. It’s funny when we’re young, we always want the nice cozy relationship thing and we get easily influenced by other happy couples but it doesn’t really mean the grass is greener! 🙂

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