#57 The Beginning of the End… Happy New Year

 

pie crust2

 

Dear Journal,

We planned our party for the night after New Years Eve.  I told my parents that I had to get ready for the party that we were having the next day and I didn’t want to drive home with all of the drunks and they actually were okay with me staying at Jack’s.  He came and picked me up and brought me over to his place and we stayed up late enough to welcome in the New Year all by ourselves instead of going out to one of the parties we were invited to, cuz Jack wanted it that way. We kissed at midnight and started messing around all the way to bed and welcomed in the new year some more.

young happy couple

 

In the morning, it was overcast and looked as if it might rain.  I got up early and Jack rolled over and said that he was going to take down the Christmas lights. I really didn’t want him to because he’d already taken down the tree the day after Christmas and he knew I wanted it up for the party. So when he mentioned the lights I asked him if he could just wait until after the party because I wanted it to still look at least a little  festive.  But he refused it was as if he wanted to take away any signs of it having been Christmas.  And so our morning didn’t start out too great.

arguing couples

I know that he is still dealing with stuff about his mom this time of year, so I tried to be understanding but I must say that I was not happy that he wouldn’t wait just one day since he knew that it was important to me for our house to look pretty for the party. It was just the wrong day to take on that project! Especially since we talked about our list of things we needed to get done before the party and taking down the Christmas lights was not one of them.  I needed him to help me with so many  other things and I knew that it was going to take all morning to just do that. But you know how stubborn he is, so he got the ladder out and climbed up on the roof and did what he wanted.

Christmas lights ladder2

 I got dressed and started baking. I’d planned on making a few pies and some horderves for the party. Pie crusts are kind of touchy, if you knead them too much, they get tough. If you let them sit too long they get crumbly and you have to start all over again.  I have to admit I was already frustrated but I really did try to snap out of it because I knew that it would not end well if I stayed mad. I never seem to win our fights. I heard Jack swearing on top of the roof and for whatever reason, he needed my help. Though he put them up all by himself. He called me up there twice. The first time I went up and handed him something and tried to be pleasant and willing about it, but just as I was ready to roll the dough out for the second pie,  he called me again.

ROLLING DOUGH

This time I called back and told him to hold on. I was so surprised when he snapped at me and yelled “NOW!”  I didn’t like his tone of voice and had not heard it since that horrible day at the glider port over a year earlier. I wasn’t too happy as I climbed up the ladder and saw him untangling the strings of lights. I  asked him to please hurry so that my dough wouldn’t get ruined and he threw them at me and told me to untangle them.

Christmas lightsAnd before I could object, he lost it. He got mad and told me that he didn’t want to have the dumb party anyway, how it was all my idea and “my party” and that I was “using” him to play house in “his” house. Those words really hurt. Especially the part about it being his house.  After he put the ladder away, and did whatever he did with the string of light I left lying on the walkway,  he came in and saw that I was crying and got even more upset at me. I’d already made one pie crust perfectly before he called me up. But the second time, I left the last one  in a ball and it felt too dried out when I started rolling it.

dough balll

Everything kept crumbling and falling apart. The thing that made me so mad was that Jack started laughing at me and told me that I couldn’t do anything right. I think maybe he was trying to lighten the mood and just joke around because everytime I tried to roll out the dough it just got worse and he may have realized that he’d just gone a little too far.

CINNAMON ROLLING DOUGH

But by that time I’d lost my temper and had stopped crying. Things just got out of hand. Looking back, I wish that ‘dI just let it go. But for the last three years I have let “IT” go and I am just tired. Anyway,  I was still hurt and angry about what he’d said about it being his house, and instead of saying that he was sorry he just kept following me around egging me on, laughing in my face. He followed me right into the living room as I tried to get away, brushing my floured hands on my apron and just kept laughing at me and my “pathetic excuse for pie crust.” THAT is what he said! He kept at it  until he had me cornered in the living room and I hit the wall of the bay window and to my surprise my fist went right through the paper thin wall! Just punched a hole right into it! I didn’t realize how those walls were made back in those days and well it just surpised me. I started laughing hoping that Jack would start laughing too and we would just see how stupid this fight was and fall down on the floor and make up. I was laughing saying that” I really didn’t mean to do that” and he got that look and said; “yeah, I  can really tell.” And then he started getting all of my stuff and throwing it out of the house in a wild rage and telling me that I needed to “call all of my little friends and call off the party” as he started throwing my books and my purse and my sweat jacket and all of Annie’s letters  out into the front yard. The ribbons slipped and they lay there strewn all over the wet grass.

old letters

He was so out of control I thought he was going to hit me but he didn’t. He just picked me up and threw me off of his front porch and into the yard. I was numb. I don’t remember if I was really hurt. I know later that I’d skinned my elbow being thrown like that but I just picked up my purse and jacket and left everything else and ran out of the front gate.

abuse

I didn’t even stop to think. I just ran. Right past Jess and Louise’s and down Pacific Coast Highway and all the way to a phone booth and called Lindsey. She and Larry came and picked me up. They were supposed to come to the party that night. I think they may have called everyone. I don’t even know. I didn’t care. I just let Jack deal with it. I was so mad. I never wanted to see him again. Happy New Year.

 

sad girl in hood b&w

 

 

 

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17 thoughts on “#57 The Beginning of the End… Happy New Year

  1. Theresa,
    Thanks for faithfully reading. You are such a blessing. Yeah – It was hard to write about it. I still have more of the story to tell. Just have to do it in pieces.
    XOXOX

  2. So sad Di…but I have expected it to escalate. I know how much pain you have because you really loved him. It is so hard to deal with the fallout when you have absolutely no control in the situation. I jumped out of a one and a half story window (half the basement was above ground) to get away from my first love…He jumped too…The result was not good. But it is the day I planned my exit strategy! I pray your exit didn’t involve any more “physical” harm…I know the emotional harm didn’t end there 😦
    Take care of yourself during this phase!! Much love ..Lorrie

  3. Lorrie,
    YOUR comment was one of the most validating ones I think I have ever seen. THANK YOU♡ You GET it♡
    I am so sorry. But I think it helps to see your life and how you turned out. Which I think is pretty wonderful♡

  4. it’s hard to hit the LIKE button for this one — but there is no other option.

    The sadness of the escalation, and its predictability, is stunning. Take good care of you. Writing this out cannot be easy.

    Hugs.

    • LOUISE,
      Your words mean so much. Especially coming from you. The only what that I can describe this journey is like going through old doors with different eyes. Your comments are always like gifts.
      Thank you for taking the time to read. Knowing that your are, means so much.
      xoxo
      di

    • Louise
      That’s funny I left you a long comment but it is not here now. Anyway I think that it really is an honor that you are taking time to follow my story. Knowing YOU are makes me feel more empowered. Thank YOU so much.Knowing JUST how much you understand means a lot.

  5. Oh Di, I saw this all coming (as you know). I am only hoping that you didn’t go back? This scene sounds like one I lived through too many times when I was with ‘my psycho’. I can’t help but wonder if Jack was manic depressive?

    • Deb,
      I know you saw this coming all along. Yes, as I look back, I think that it could be a little organic because I think that some of the issues were passed on to future generations. Though I do think that he was also a victim of his evnronment. His mom was horribly abusive to him from the time he was a tiny boy to when I met him.

      • Yes he was a victim. But we all know that if victims don’t seek help, or at least admit to their damage that it can so easily be taken out on others. It’s our job not to fix but not to subject ourselves to the abuse. xo

  6. Debbie
    I think I did. I don’t think I approved them or waited long enough before I turned the page. My dad jokes about how fast I “turn the page.” When we are talking and i the change thr subject. Lol.

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