#58 The Storm

journals

Dear Journal,

You are my witness that I tried. I tried so hard. You were the ONLY one that I ever told ANYTHING to! I wanted to protect Jack from himself. And I was embarrassed. So embarrassed that anyone would ever know any of what I have put up with. I never wanted to tell anyone because what if we got back together and all of it was out there? Well, there is NO chance of that NOW. I know that Jack thinks that I talk to people too much and try to get everyone’s advice. I never talked about our fights or Jack’s temper. EVER! But this time, I’m not sure what happened. I guess I kind of feel like if I tell someone what has been going on, I won’t go back. And Oh my dear friend, my faithful little journal, I KNOW I won’t go back this time. Are you applauding me?

So much has happened since I last wrote in you.  I think that anger is a kind of a key that has allowed me to shut that door. Instead of mourning what I have lost and all those broken promises, I feel a relief that I never felt before. I used to sit home and cry after a fight and think about all of our  plans.  NOW you better believe me, he is begging me to set a date. He said that any day would be fine with him. Even Tommorow! It has been exactly one month since he threw me out of “his” house. He has been sitting outside of the entrance to my neighborhood almost every night the last two weeks since school started again. He has parked next to my car at the school where I work so I had to talk to him and after my classes at night at Harbor College. I can’t tell my dad because he would kill him and I don’t want my dad to go crazy because he would if he knew what has been happening. I am protecting my dad. Not Jack.

steering wheel shot

The other day I was at Lindsey’s house and Jack called me there. He told me to go look in my car. I didn’t know what to expect. Even though it was sunny, it was freezing. I ran out with my barefeet because I didn’t know what he might have done. Well, he showed me his true colors. I found Switezer meowing inside my cold car. He said “I don’t want him.” That was the first time that I have cried since I stopped crying after the first week. I didn’t know what to do. Larry ended up calling right when I was having a melt down and Lindsey told him what Jack had just done and Larry asked for my phone number and told me that he might know someone that will take him because I know that my mom won’t let me have him. This is just like Jack. Begging me to take him back and then getting mad and doing something like this when he doesn’t get his own way. I haven’t softened at all. I am glad that he keeps getting mad and doing stupid things because it just reminds me that I deserve better.  I can’t believe that I ever loved him. The thing that surprises me, is that no one was surprised. They knew what was happing all along. I thought that I was fooling everyone.  I’m pretty sure that I hate him now. THIS was the last straw. But it’s not just about the cat. There are so many other things that happened besides the obvious; literally THROWING me out of the house. It is so over.

cat in car

 

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6 thoughts on “#58 The Storm

  1. Wow Theresa
    I never thought of it that way. I mean it sounds so pathetic. But you REALLY capsulized everything in your comment. That’s exactly what I did. Funny how he made me feel as if I talked about us to everyone and couldn’t turn around without getting advice.
    When really I was only eighteen and had no idea what I was doing and so I asked people things like; do you think eighteen is too young to get married? But never shared any of the wrongs he was doing to me.
    I will never forget, a woman probably my age now once replied: “Honey IF you have to ask, you already know. ”
    But I never bad-mouthed him ever. Now that I think of it, he really must have been worried that I would so that was his way of manipulating me so I wouldn’t blab. Funny thing is, I was too ashamed to tell anyone because I knew that they would wonder why I stayed.
    Thank YOU Theresa for going on this journey with me ♡

  2. Yes, I am applauding you! And here we have the classic “only appreciating what we have only when we lose it”. Oh yes poor Keri, I understand well this coming part … for I have lived it. They stalk, they beg, they apologize, because they know they have lost the best thing in their life, yet they cannot control their inner evil. After they have tried their bag of tricks to ‘make nice’ and they are rejected, more evil wrath is spawned from them. I know this. It was by the grace of God I escaped my fate of death in this scenario. I hope you kept your determination to stay away! xo

  3. Debbie,
    I wish we lived closer. You are amazing. I say you nailed it a lot but you nailed it and shut the door! Sometimes I used to feel that I was the only one going through what I did. Back before Oprah or self help talk shows or even Jerry Springer 😉
    I know that now people realize they are not alone but young girls still put up with bad behavior and still think that things are going to change. My daughter said that she was on her way to work a while ago and said she passed a car in a parking lot with a guy raging at a girl. She knows my story and was really taught not to allow anyone to treat her with anything but respect and stopped and looked long enough to make him stop and give her a chance to get out if she wanted to. My daughter said that she almost said or did say, I can’t remember the details “You know you don’t have to put up with that.”
    But we still stay. Even when we know better sometimes.

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