#46 Happy New Year’s!

traffic at night

Dear Journal,

I am so excited!!!!!

Jack was so cute. On New Year’s Eve, he told me to bring blankets and dress warm and  that he just wanted to take a drive up North and look at the stars. He said that when we got up there we would put  the top down even though it was freezing that night.  His friend Larry  invited us to a party that sounded like it might have been actually a little more fun than driving up to some cold deserted place  but I was happy to be with Jack and go where ever he wanted to go. In the end, even though he got time off, he was called into work to fix a printer problem at the last minute. So I waited in the car for about a half an hour and we didn’t even get on the freeway till  around nine.

car talk

We bundled  up and drove past the grapevine and stopped at the top of the hill at a place called Fort Tejon. I didn’t get and still am not sure what it was about Fort Tejon that made it so special,  but I think it might have been just far enough away from the city lights where we could look up and see the stars. We laid our seats back and stared up. The sky was filled with clusters of stars and we just talked about everything. Something we hadn’t done for a long time.

starry sky

 My dad managed to get him a week off with pay, thinking that he could relax and figure things out with his mom. I think that touched Jack and he really was much more relaxed than I’d seen him in  a long time.  As we lay there, Jack started telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t imagine living through this last year without me and then he sat up and reached into the glove compartment, pulling me up with him…

convertable engagement

and said ; ” I can’t imagine living  the rest  of my life without you.” then  handed me a velvet box with a beautiful diamond ring in it and asked, “Will you marry me Keri?” It was so romantic!!!!!!   Oh yeah, I said Yes!

engagement pics of rings and things

The ring was so beautiful. I don’t think it was one that I tried on. I really did not expect it at all. He slipped the ring on my finger and my mind started spinning.

engaged3

 

Even though it was past midnight, I wanted to go right home and tell everyone, especially my parents. I chattered all the way home about nothing that I can remember as I admired my ring that sparkled in the moonlight. We laughed and talked and I looked out the window and saw a young girl with a sad face look back at me. She looked so broken and I wondered what was happening in her life to make her look that way and  stopped to say a prayer for her because I knew too well how she felt.

DRIVING

Remembering how once I was the one  watching everyone else be happy and  thought… EVERYTHING is going to be okay now. I was so happy. I  looked over and said, “Jack, lets go wake your mom up right now and tell her!” I just knew she’d be happy for us. Jack seemed surprised but happy that I wanted to tell his mom but he said “let her sleep, there will be time.”

After Jack dropped me off,  I ran in and up the stairs and woke up my parents showing them my ring. They were  both sweet.  But my mom was obviously not happy. I was so disappointed. Later, as I lay in bed   I thought about when my mom said. “There’s no hurry right?” I wanted someone to be happy for us. I considered calling Liz. I mean didn’t she call us enough times after midnight? But I didn’t want to ruin the surprise for Jack so I waited till we could tell her together. And finally fell asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

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#31 Moving IN

 

diary writer

 

Dear Journal,

I am forever saying that I am sorry to you now aren’t I? I seem to be saying that a lot lately. But anywaaaay,  I KNOW that I have neglected you once again. It seems as if weeks go by in-between my entries and I have no excuses. And then I try to be really good about  remembering to keep you up to date and  after a few nights of filling pages, I get so busy again and just lose momnentum. So I am forever tying to catch you up. Now lets see…. I finally spent the weekend with Laurie at her dorms and we had a blast. Jack wasn’t too happy about it but I really needed a break. Now that I have given in, he knows that he has nothing to worry about! I mean of course I would never have gone that far if I hadn’t expected “forever” so he knows that I’m not going anywhere and that I have a feeling that he feels more secure. But even still, I’m not sure why it is always so hard for him to understand that I need my space and yet can still love him? Anyway we had a blast. Her roomate was home for the weekend so we had the room to ourselves and we caught up and shopped and ate out a LOT and saw a couple movies. It was so fun and felt like old times.

girls shopping

The biggest news that I have to tell you is that we found a place!! I think that I might have told you about it last time. Well, we got it. When I drove by, it was this little blue craftman’s style house that had a bunch of kid’s toys out in front. It was so perfect. When the landlord told me that we had to wait to see it, I just thought I’d die waiting. The family had just been transfered to Kentucky and weren’t moving out until the following week. But when we were  finally  able t0 coordinate our schedules Jack and I met the landlord there who’d was just finishing up painting and we signed the lease that day!

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And Oh my it is wonderful! It has a wonderful bay window and wood burning fireplace and built in Shelves in every room. The master bedroom has a wall to wall built in dresser that was made with such detail and beveled glass cupboards. The bathroom has a wonderful footed bathtub and out in back there is this darling work shed that even has a great work bench just waiting for all of Jack’s many projects that I can’t wait for him to start!

shedshed inside

 

 

 

Since then we have been moving in. Well, Jack has. He says that it is our house but of course I still go home at night. But I am there when he gets home from work or sometimes when he wakes up! Depending on the day. We both have keys and he has let me shop for and arrange  the furniture however I like. It has been so fun papering the cupboards with contact paper and buying dishes and towels because he needed just about everything right down to a laundry basket.

contact-paper-2shelves empty

 

The other day I was out gardening in the back yard and met the most wonderful neighbors. Jess and Louise said that they are in the process of looking for a farm in Missouri where they’d like to retire and said that they are back and forth sometimes.

garden

I’d cleared a lot of weeds out of the backyard and started a Victory Garden and they raved about it and  invited me over for iced tea so I washed my hands and went around to the front where they welcomed me on their wrap around porch with swing and all! Oh and they have the cutest little puppy named Mopsy and she really does look like a little black mop. I think that their house may even be more charming than ours. They have three bedrooms and each one has a big brass bed in it with Amish Patchwork Quilts on each one! Their kitchen has been updated but to the year that the house was built in the early 1920s. They have the most amazing bay windows with built in window seats that I want Jack to see so he can try to duplicate in our little front bay window!

porch swing

Jack came home and my car was out front and when I was no where to be found, he was pretty upset and was waiting for me when I came back through the gate. He said that I left the house “wide opened” which I didn’t. And I told him that I could see pretty much everything from their dining room window. Which didn’t make him happy either. “So they can see right into our house?” “Not really, well yeah kinda.” I  had to tell him in case he ever went over there and saw for himself!

Jack brooded for a while. And went out to work in his shed but by the time I’d made dinner and called him back in, he seemed to have snapped out of it. and we ended up having a good night.

I promise that I’ll be back tomorrow to catch you up some more!

K

 

 

 

Boundaries Journal #26

shower7

 I got up the next morning and went to school. I think maybe I’d slept two hours. I stood in the shower crying. My head pounded as I dried my hair and got dressed.  I could barely think about anything while I was there. I only had two classes and then my journal class but I don’t check in with Mrs. Walker till next week.  So I could have left early and almost got in my car to drive to the hospital a million times. But it had been raining all day and I wasn’t used to driving on the freeways in the rain. And it just gave me more time to really think about everything. I knew that Jack would be thinking that I was just like everyone else running away from him when things got tough. Even though he “literally” drove me away. I realized what he was doing before we even fought about it. But I just couldn’t be the one this time to give in. I’d felt so stupid chasing him around the streets of Montery Park until I was convinced that he was actually trying to lose me. But I was prepared and nailed him when he finally tried to make the excuses that I’d already known he’d make.

spitfite green in rain

Finally last night as I pulled into my neighborhood his car was parked just inside the entrance where it was impossible to miss him. I stopped because I just didn’t want to make a scene in front of my house and my dad was home this week and well, he would never tolerate the way Jack tends to get. I pulled in front of him and he got out and I moved my books and he got in. I waited for him to start talking. And he started in right away about how I just fell off the face of the planet but how it was to be expected because he couldn’t count on anyone in his life.

couple in a car

I have discovered in dealing with Jack, when he gets like that, the best way to handle him, is to just apologize and sympathize with how he is feeling. NOT this time. I’d had it. And I’d had time to do plenty of thinking. There’d been a time when I’d even jumped on his car’s hood crying when he screeched away, trying to get him to stay and talk. Never again. I was ready.  I put my hand up to stop him. This time he was going to hear me out.

sad girl in a car

I told him that I didn’t even want to talk about what happened when I was supposed to be following him. I told him that he knew exactly what he was doing and that I didn’t know where I was going and he lost me. He started to interrupt and I held up my hand and he actually stopped talking and let me continue which I have to admit kind of empowered me. I said that I knew that it was an uncomfortable situation with his mom and that he’d always dealt with it himself and that it why when he’d come home, he’d lose his the girl and the semester. I told him that if he got it together this time, I was in it for the long haul and he wasn’t going to lose the girl. All of a sudden, he just relaxed and reached for me but I held firm and again held up my hand and he rolled his eyes and I smiled and kind of laughed. And told him that I was serious that he really did need to get his act together. That I knew he lost me because he didn’t know what else to do. But it hurt my feelings and he’s lucky I am smart enough to figure it out. But I meant it. He needed to get his act together. Then I let him in for the hug and it was different than any we’d ever shared before. It was as if we’d both grown up a little.

kissing in car

#18 Journal Entry Job Changes

writing in diary on bed

Dear Journal,

I finally have a night to myself so I thought that I’d spend some time here with you!

I am not sure what to think. It is all still so good. I mean everything….. Is sooo good! Jack quit his job when his mom offered him a position at her company.  So he is working for her and Richard, his mom’s husband. He is so happy and is making quadruple what he was making at the gas station and the best part is that he has weekends off! Though I do have to admit, I miss those late nights studying up on the racks in his Triumph when he’d work on it’s rear end suspension problems. Which always seems to need working on.

We are spending almost every night going somewhere with  his mom and Richard. Richard has a Jaguar so we end up going in his mom’s Cutlass and Jack ends up driving because they both drink a lot.  I mean a LOT. Jack hates drinking. He says that it runined his childhood. I can tell that it bothers him when they begin ordering more drinks. He looks really uncomfortable after the second round, but since it is usually a work night, we try to cut the nights short. But all and all, Jack seems happy at the oil company and very happy to be getting along with his mom. Richard is teaching him sales and he’s told me that Jack is a natural.

I really like Richard. He is that old school kind of classy guy. You know, like part of the rat pack. It’s hard to explain but when I hear a Frank Sinatra song, I automatically think of Jack’s mom and Richard if that make any sense at all. They like nice things and it is really fun to hang out with them. They laugh a lot and love each other. It is really hard to believe that his mom is that same monster that Jack told me about.

Journal Entry #12 Going Home

CAR

Dear Journal,

My heart pounded as I listened to Jack’s voice breaking as he apologized. “I am so, so sorry.” He kept saying. He finally looked up at me and started the engine. We drove several miles without a word. I am not sure if I was just making sure that we were as close to home as possible or just didn’t know what to say. I was so confused. My mind could not stop rewinding. The days’s events played over and over again in my mind and each time it made me want to get sick. My stomach churned as we wound up the hills from San Pedro to Palos Verdes and I was sure that I was going to throw up.

car couple

Just before we reached the entrance to my neighborhood, Jack turned off on a side street and parked. He still looked anguished but had gained composure. The evening fog began to roll in as he clicked on the heater. Taking my hand he held it and said that he loved me enough to say “goodbye” and how I deserved better and how he knew he had a problem that he thought he could control. That he’d messed things up with Maddie but he thought he could be stronger with me because he loved me so much, but today showed otherwise. He said sometimes he couldn’t even figure out what makes him mad, and that he seems to sabatoge everything good in his life because his mom told him that he was worthless  when he was a little boy.

My hand jerked away as I realized that he was breaking up with me! “YOU are breaking up with ME?” I wanted to scream. Though nothing came out of my mouth. During the drive home I penned many scripts in my head, all things that I wanted to say to him. I planned to break up with him! NOT the other way around! But all I could do was just sit there trying to understand everything that had happened that day. I was so cofused. The more serious he sounded the more it made me freak out. I began remembering all the times we’d shared and tried to imagine life without him and I panicked. I grabbed his leg and shouted “No!” I told him that some how we’d figure this out. I told him that I was different and wouldn’t abandonded him like Maddie did. Even though I’d fully intended to a few hours earlier. In one day I’d gone from being madly in love to wanting to break up to begging for him not to.

Jack stopped talking. I couldn’t stop crying. I pleaded with him to reconsider as if my life depended on it. And in a way it felt as if it did. I imagined his life without me and it made me more sad than picturing mine without him. He needed me! I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed his mouth and his eyes and his hair as he slowly relaxed. I began murmuring; “I will never leave you Jack. Not ever!” Finally he relaxed and we cried together. He lay his head in my lap and as I stroked his hair. It was a strange feeling. In a way I felt oddly maternal and yet it was very sexy. He seemed so trusting and I kept saying, “I will never leave you Jack, I promise, I will never ever leave you.” And I really meant it.

kissing in the car

 

 

Dear Journal My “Catch You Up” post #8

Dear Journal,

I am so sorry that I have not kept up with you lately here. I have been “writing” in my journal for Mrs. Walker’s class but I have not been so good about transferring it here at all. I started off thinking that I’d have time. But I will catch you up since I have folded the pages where I left off with you and will try to enter the days as I can… now let’s see….

diary writer

I left off where Jack and I became official. If that’s what you call it. He said he loved me. Boys have said that to me before but it all seemed so “cute” and I never could say it back, I’d always just say thank you and they always looked so disappointed. But to be honest, I didnt’ want to love anyone for a long time. Or… so I thought. But I said it back because I do  love him. I care about him in a different way than I have ever cared about anyone in my entire life. I mean I love my family and my friends but I guess when you love a boy…

 

kissss seventies coupld

I mean really L-O-V-E him, he fills up everything in your life.

It seems as if I just go to school and spend the rest of my time with Jack. He lives with his dad in a small apartment in Torrance and works later so we find ourselves alone in his room there a lot.

couple in room

I was always curious about kissing but I have to admit that we do a lot more than that now. He has taught me things that I never even thought of and in some ways I think we are learning together. He swears that he and Maddie only kissed. But that is hard to believe because, well, he just seems a little more experienced than in just kissing.

bed

 

Anyway, We can’t get enough of each other and it seems as if we are just living every other minute just to get back to where we left off. I feel a throbbing pain until we are together again.  I taste him on my lips and smell him on my skin. I never thought I could love somebody so completely!

Defining Our Love

I breathe you in

and you breath me out,

I feel the rush

as your skin

becomes

part of

my finger tips.

Two totally different lives

from totally different paths

colide.

And the crash

takes my breath away

Keri London

1974 c