I guess I am in what you might call melancholy mode. I really want to try to document this because I always seem to go back. I almost softened one last time when Jack made me come and pick up something he was going to throw out if I didn’t come and get it. I knew that it was his way of seeing me again but I went anyway. And I didn’t bother mentioning that I was going over there to anyone. I was glad to see that no-one was home next door when I arrived. I mean there was no danger of us getting back together NOW that I have told everyone why we broke up. He really made it kind of hard not to involve other people since we had a huge party planned on the night I left or actually the night he KICKED me out. And I am tired of protecting him so I just told everyone the truth. “I am tired of the abuse.”
When I walked in and saw all the boxes, I have to admit that it took my breath away. I mean, it was like seeing all of our dreams taped up in boxes. They were the same boxes that we used to move in, still with my writing on each one and it made me pretty sad. He begged me to take my ring back. He said that even if we weren’t together, he couldn’t stand having it. I told him I couldn’t either and so he said he would throw it in the ocean and so I took it. We sat down on the bed and he tried to kiss me and asked for one more time just for old time’s sake. He said that he knew it was over but he needed me and to just give him this one last time. He looked so sad. And in a weak moment my mind went blank and I couldn’t think and relented. I am not sure what I was thinking. I guess I was not! I’m sorry but even though I really do know that it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, it is just so hard to let go. That is until he started talking and ruined the moment.
I am not sure how it came up but he told me that he’d called an old girlfriend and that she said that he needed to go back to Keri because all he did was talk about me. I remembered how he talked a lot about Maddie when we were first together and all of a sudden I thought : I AM NOT DOING THIS! And I pushed him off of me and jumped up. I think that he was thinking that he was telling me something that would help his case, that I should be happy that he was so in love with me that he couldn’t even stop talking about me when he was out on a date! But how stupid! He was OUT on a date!!!! That totally broke the mood when I found out. What did he want me to say?? “Ooooh how sweet?!” Even if we were broken up, I have to admit it made me jealous that he was already calling girls. Though, I didn’t tell him that Larry called me a few times. He has. Of course, I didn’t go out with him or call him back! He keeps calling though.
I guess that I am really glad that he told me. It made me realize that his heart is in a different place than mine. Maybe I was playing house like he accused me of doing so many times. But I realized that day that we clearly wanted different things. I am not sure why he even gave me a ring or gave me that beautiful speech when he did. Or why he made me believe in all the dreams we talked about. When we first broke up, I went back and forth to hating him and then feeling sorry for him and trying to forgive him because of his childhood. I still believe that he was the kid with the story no one would believe. And I really did want to give him a better “rest of his life” thinking that I could fix everything. I really believed that I could, or at least try to. I remembered promising him forever and that I would NEVER leave. But you can’t force loyalty on someone who just doesn’t appreciate it or can barely grasp the concept of real love. And after the last fight, I didn’t want to die trying anymore because I knew that it was just a matter or time when he might really hurt more than just my heart and my pride. That last day when I walked down the pathway and out the gate. I wasn’t crying anymore. I’m not sure what I thought but I remember thinking… “He really needs to mow the lawn.”