You Could Have Had Me

LETTING GO QUOTE

You were someone that I used to know.

 someone I escaped long ago

and yet I let you in

AGAIN

couple riding piggy back

falling in love for the first time

nothing ever tops that

I fell into you,

tumbling into the past

kissing on floor

and you almost had me

well you kind of did at hello

there were things I need to ask

things I wanted to know

computer instant message

so slowly I let you in

oh why did I let you in?

and then I couldn’t let go

it felt so good to just know

computer man looking

that you wanted me

and this time it was my choice

well it was my choice that last time

I guess all I wanted to say now

is that you could have had me

your life could have been so different

and you can’t be mad at me now

 because it isn’t.

Keri London 2014

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And I wonder

smoke

Like a vapor

clearly visible

appearing

and

disappearing

breathe

you yanked me back

into a place

and then left

without a trace

sad girl staring out window

I want to

cry

and

scream

and shake you,

I want to run

and catch

and break you

sad break up

And I wonder…

was it you?

Or just a time

in my life

you took me

back to

doorknob

that made

it all seem

so much like

magic?

 girl with round light

Keri London 1977©

The “YOU” inside my head

window seat girl

The shadows still block the light

and yet  sunshine flickers through.

When I wash my car, even now,

I always think of you!

washing cars

Why do my memories seem

like a valued work of art?

Why is it that yesterday

is still trapped inside my heart?

sad girl staring out window

Am I just in love with the boy

that I wanted you to be,

even though today,

you are but a stranger now to me?

couple at end of dock

It makes me wonder if I was just in love

with the “you” inside my head,

just a figment of my imagination

a mere fantasy instead…

peter pan never grow up

An escape from reality,

a place that I softly fall,

a love that I used to know

that meant the most of all?

computer2

Or was it ever really real,

that place I’d wander to…

The Neverland of make believe

where I thought that I’d find you?

Keri London

1977©

The End (Final draft)

Keri felt the air being siphoned from her lungs, swallowing she tried to breathe. Her head pounded as her efforts to filter out the background noise failed. The pain was the stinging kind  you feel when something smacks you in the face. It even made her nose tingle. It was a surprise, so unexpected. The day had started out so great.  She closed her eyes and willed it all to just stop, but the voice booming somewhere in the background was relentless. He was on one of his tirades about the way she’d looked when he’d said something or her tone of voice when she answered. She couldn’t remember. She didn’t even know if she knew. She usually didn’t. She would just apologize and even more recently, just leave. But she couldn’t today. They were in the car, and like so many other times, she just had to take it. And it would probably blow over, and she’d forgive him, and they’d pretend it never happened.  She used to believe with all of her heart it wouldn’t, but now she had no doubt that it would. She pressed her forehead against the cold glass and stared out at all the other cars and wondered why everyone looked so happy.

sad rain on window

At first, she’d yelled back but realized that she couldn’t make him hear her.  There were no blows. Nothing physical about it, except for maybe when he yanked her arm. But that was not the pain she was feeling now. It was the humiliation and the shame. It happened more often, and lasted longer lately, and it exhausted her.

 couple fighting in car

They’d been driving. It was a beautiful rainy morning. The drops tapped lightly above them as they’d lay on the floor reading the Sunday paper and ended up making love right there, on top of the funnies. Jack suggested that they go to Polly’s for breakfast. So they jumped in the car and headed to the beach. They’d just been laughing minutes before. And then like a ball in her face, things turned. Jack’s anger came out of no where.  She’d learned lately that it didn’t have to take much. She used to blame herself because she didn’t know how to help him. She wanted to love him out of his pain. She even tried to make him believe that she loved him more than anyone in her life. She believed it. But, slowly she realized that it was not true. She did love someone more. Though he’d tried with all of his might to make her believe otherwise, she finally knew that she loved herself more. Enough to get out.

women writing at desk

Keri clicked the period. And stared at the screen of the last page of her book.  It was complete. She looked out the window massaging her neck absent mindly staring into space, still back decades, remembering. She’d thought that finishing her novel would feel different but it was anticlimactic. She forced her eyes to focus back on the screen and scrolled to the last chapter and reread it. She sighed. She was satisfied, after a few false endings, it was definitely a wrap.

This book had been a surprise in her life and much harder to write than she’d ever imagined. But she knew that she needed to tell her story.  Not just for all the young girls out there that needed to be educated about abuse, but for her own closure. So much had happened in-between sitting down to write the first page and today. But she had no doubt about what she had to do next..

She found her editor’s address, attached her book, clicked on the file, and pushed SEND.

type the end

I hand you my heart as it hangs from my sleeve

young kids sitting on a ledge
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m in love with the past
that everything that was supposed to be, just couldn’t last
I tell you that my heart is cold and my soul is numb
and that what we once had, well, was just me being dumb

couple riding piggy back

I try to tell you things that I don’t really believe
As I hand you my heart, as it hangs from my sleeve
I continue to rant about my love for the past
and the way it all rushed by far too fast

couple sitting together

I was in love with THAT time of life not really you
I don’t want to be cruel but then maybe I do
For there were times yourself, when you weren’t very nice
and you came back to hurt me not just once but now twice!
So I’ve come back to hurt you first, here instead
And ask you nicely to get the hell OUT of my head!

Keri London 2015 ©