The next Chapters….

For all my loyal readers…. (Reading Girl especially – smile) I am sharing my next few chapters…. I’d love to hear how you feel about the transition from Keri’s journal to the third person telling it again, and your thoughts on it… I really felt that I left you guys hanging and just wanted to share!  Remember read this first:

so it makes more sense




mom readinglistening to mom reading

By the time she finished reading, the fire had died down to a flicker and two hours, maybe more had passed. Keri closed the book and looked up at Brynne “Oh mama” she cried, “It is all just so sad.” Keri overwhelmed by the moment, got up and walked over to her daughter and hugged her tight as tears filled her eyes. “I shared this with you because I want to spare you some of the pain that I experienced as a young girl, and for you to just always be aware. “NOW I understand why you wanted me to add SLOW TO ANGER to my list that you made me make.” Brynne said with genuine empathy and tears in her own eyes. Keri nodded and held the closed  journal to her chest; she didn’t have any second thoughts. She knew that sharing this with Brynne would be a memory she would carry with her forever. She prayed that this knowledge would be like a little extra tool for her, that most young girls aren’t aware of.

Keri counted the years since those journal days and sighed. Looking into the fire she said, “Time sure flies.”  “Do you know where he is now?” Brynne asked curiously. Keri shook her head. “No, “I’m not even sure if he’s still alive.”  Brynne was filled with questions. “What about Larry?” she asked. Keri realized that she was not going to get off as easy as she thought and cleared her throat to continue. “We ended up dating for a while,” “YOU DID?! Brynne looked surprised and Keri laughed, “Yeah, he even asked me to marry him.” Brynne’s eyes grew wide. “Reeeeally?”  “Yeah, but I don’t even know why I went out with him. I kind of knew it was wrong but I was so hurt just how quickly Jack seemed to move on and well, Larry really was very good-looking.” she chuckled and then continued more seriously, “but then, he knew it and I never loved him, so I said no.” She said it so matter of factly  that it almost seemed as if she was realizing it all for the first time.  “I don’t think that I really ever got over Jack. I just let my hurt turn into anger and have pretty much stayed angry with him all of these years later. I never really let anyone back into my heart for a long time.”  Keri smiled at her daughter. She looked dumbfounded at meeting this side of her mom and wanted to know everything. “I dated for over a year or so and then I met your dad and that was that.”

Waaaaait a minute.” Brynne demanded, motioning for her mom to sit back down, Keri sighed inwardly realizing that Brynne was not going to let her off the hook that fast and had many more questions. So with much filtering, Keri shared what came after Jack and in-between her dad which was a time that entailed a lot of things she did due to her broken heart, things that she was not very proud of. And that was how Keri told her daughter about Jack. It had been time. Tim already knew about him. He knew about Keri’s walls and what happened and that her first relationship was behind a lot of their issues. But he was very patient with her. When they’d first met, it was evident that Keri had been very hurt and did not trust easily. Their marriage had its issues but it was solid for the most part and Tim offered that one trait that Keri deemed so important; he was slow to anger.

“Okay Keri said, lets finish up with the boxes in the attic.” Brynne followed her mom up the stairs as they began sorting and throwing out things. Keri continued to answer her daughter’s questions as they worked together, and made a big dent clearing  everything out that day.


attic office emptybook casescomputercomputer2

Keri’s writing studio was finished and she loved it up there. The wood floors were rich and off set the wall to wall built-in bookcases that lined both sides of the room and reminded Keri of her Grandma’s craftsman style house in Seattle.  On one side of the room there was a beautiful little window seat where she could take her laptop and write. The view was most inspiring there. At the front of the house,  they’d built-in  a craftsman style desk and drawers overlooking the little window on the opposite side of the room. It all turned out just the way she’d imagined. Tim worked on it a lot as time allowed, but just like her father,  he traveled a lot for his job and Keri grew impatient over how long it was taking to complete. “I have a book that I need to write, and I really want to start it and finish it up in my study.” She’d pressed and so he hired Brian, a contractor to finish some of the details.

For a while, Brian and Tim worked together with Keri to create the charm she envisioned. Even the stairs that led up to the attic were recreated exactly the way she’d imagined with the brown and white steps she remembered from her grandma’s house . Several months after all of the construction was complete, Tim surprised Keri with a fireplace that she’d seen on-line and thought that he’d forgotten about. One night in bed, when Tim was working on his laptop, Keri urged him to go to that page with the photo of the exact fireplace she’d chosen. She knew it exceeded the budget they’d set aside for the studio but told him that “Someday waaay down the line she’d love to have one just like it.” Never dreaming she’d get it so soon.

Tim  installed  it a year later while she was in LA visiting Brynne for her birthday.  She squealed with delight and hugged her husband’s neck, feeling very spoiled. She loved to turn it on in the mornings with a mug of coffee and write her blog and or work on her book.  Brynne had been away at school for a little over a year and the house just seemed so empty. She wished Tim didn’t have to be away so often but she tried to be a good sport about it and understand and was growing more and more used to being alone. Her studio was her refuge. When she wrote, she didn’t feel so lonely. One day as she took a break from writing, she checked her blog comments and then wandered over to her Face book page and found a message from a name that caused her to choke as she sipped on her coffee. The message was short and generic. Keri set her mug down still sputtering and held her breath as she read;

Hi Keri,                                                                                                  

I’ve been looking for you for a long time. It looks as if you are well. I am glad to see that you are still writing… I wasn’t sure if you’d remember me, but I’ve wanted to find you for a while now. I look forward to your reply,







Dear Readers Thank you for Following! Please find me at:


Dear “Readers”

You know who you are when I say that I feel that you have become more than readers but… “forever friends” through this excercise of sharing my journals. I have watched those of you read and comment throughout this project and I am forever grateful. I GET how time consuming it is to stick with something like this and I hope to someday figure out a way to pay you all back!

This idea was brought to life by my talented and published author friend Debbie: who has mentored me through it all as she has published one book and in the throws of introducing another! Thank you Deb!!! Whether you want the credit or not! It was very therapeutic and hopefully it has given me some good material for my own book with a whole different twist that I probably wouldn’t have thought of without your suggestion!

writing just hand view

If you have been following me through the 70+ entries I have made here I will never be able to tell you how full my heart is that you faithfully have gone on this daily journey with me, chronicling my journal entries. My purpose for this blog was to allow those who ask…. “Why did you stay?” A peek into the convoluted and raw emotions that someone going through abuse feels. Though the question may be rhetorical and you never expected a response. THIS account is as much of an explanation as I might hope to give. It is not just one thing. It is a bundle of things that cause those of us who have been abused to remain with our abusers and give second chance after second chance. It is not to berate someone for staying but to climb into their situation with them and to help them feel not so alone.

If you are just finding this blog, you might want to go back to the very beginning to find the story of Keri and Jack to understand. It has taken me a little over a half a year to get it written. It is written for all to see how subtley we can lose pieces of ourselves trying to save someone else.

It is also hopefully a wake up call for those who might see themselves still in their own relationships, still giving second chances. My story is not over. My abuser came back years later to find me and ask for forgiveness. I need to still figure out a way to sensitively share that part of my story. It is a crazy web we weave…. in the choices we make. Even later in life. We can excuse our youth as being inexperienced and innocent as we dumbly give our power away. But I was blindsided that this person still had power over me to almost throw away everything I’d built one more time.

Abuse is all relative. We never really get over the past. But we can be empowered by the lessons we learn and even be glad for the mistakes we make if they cause us to grow.

Love you all,



PS: I will return here from time to time to write the poetry I need for my book. When I write it on my other blog. People get confused and think that it is something I am going through NOW. Kind of another reason I created this blog. I needed a place to go to still find the pain and write about it. A place where people who know me here would understand. But to not confuse people in my current blog. So I “WILL” be back to write the poetry that I will include in my book so don’t unfollow me just yet!



quote about moving on