Transitions

quote about looking back

Well, it looks as if I may have some more time on my hands than I expected. I am not sure what God has in store for me but for some reason I am not scared. I think that I am getting the kick in the butt that I need to get some things done in the name of procrastination! My job has been eliminated due to funds so I am going to have to figure out something.

I sure wish that I was the Keri here that had her whole life ahead of her and knew then what I do now!

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I Still Go There Sometimes

Like a breeze the scent of the past fills me.

 Peeking through it’s window my heart sees bits of the story.

Blue house windows

And for that moment I am snapped back

to a place that makes me want to believe in happy endings.

And I find myself stuck between reality and pretending.

window woman opening

 I must admit, that I still go there sometimes, that place in my mind,

Where we left that old house and all of our dreams behind.

sad woman reading a letter

when my life is in turmoil or I just want to believe

I wander back there through the door

but no one is there anymore…

door leaning

So I push my heart back and remember where I am now

and why I left then

and I believe in today again.

clouds of joy

Keri London

2015

#34

Dear Journal,

I wore pants for the next three weeks after that weekend even though it was the end of August and reeeally hot. When I got to Jack’s  to drop off his car. I parked it in front of his house and dropped the keys through the mail box slot. I could have sworn I saw someone look through the curtains but  I was so done with everything about him. And then I realized that he had my books and all my other stuff too. I woke up the next day and realized that I’d have to go back  sometime and get my things and especially my books right away because I still had that test on that Monday night. I had my own set of keys so I called in sick on Monday and waited till I knew that Jack would be gone.

When I drove up, his car was no where to be seen. I was hoping to just slip in and out but Jess was outside mowing his lawn. I waved and he smiled and nodded. I decided that I would just get my books and go and come back another time for my other stuff. All the blinds were drawn and it was dark. There were six empty beer cans on the coffee table. My heart stood still. Jack did not drink. Period.  He hated his mom’s drinking and so just didn’t do it. I was so confused. I had to remind myself that I was just going to grab my books and leave and then I realized that I’d left the book I needed in his car. I silently berated myself. I looked around trying to figure out what to take that I’d need right away when Jack walked in the door.

I jumped and grabbed my heart. He obvioulsy figured that I’d come and didn’t seem surprised to see me. I told him I needed my book. He went to the built in dresser and grabbed it. He had brought it in. He’d known that I’d need it. He explained to me that he’d tried to catch me on my way to work that morning and when he hadn’t, he came back home and found my car here. I told him that I called in sick and then he said “I see that.”

His eyes were sad and he looked hollow. He started to say sorry and I held up my hand to stop him and  unbuttoned and unzipped and then slipped my pants down so that he could see my leg. He dropped to his knees and kissed my bruises and cried. I wanted to push him away and run but all I could do was cry too.  He lifted me up and took me to his unmade bed and all the  planned speeches I’d rehearsed seemed to fall from my head. Jack loved me like he’d never had before.

Later I asked about the beer cans and he agreed that it was a stupid thing to do but that it made him just pass out rather than go hunt me down and try to make ammends before I was ready. He told me that he had a fight with his mom and quit Amber Oil and that I’d gotten the brunt of it. She’d said some horrible things to him and didn’t know where to go with it. I told him that I wished that he’d told me about it and that maybe if we’d talked about it that might have helped. But I must say that I never thought that the next time that I wrote in you that it would be telling you that I was still with Jack.

I finished my modeling classes and have been asked out a few times so I know that Jack is not the only boy who would ever like me, like he likes to tell me when we get in our fights. But if I hadn’t thought that we’d be together forever I never would have made love with him. I really was saving myself for the one I was going to marry and I really do want it to be Jack.

huggggg

Entry #13 Denial

kissing in twiglight

Dear Journal,

Jack has been so sweet.  Though we seem to spend a lot of time at the beach lately, we have not talked about our sailing trip and it has been over three weeks since that day. One way or another we usually end up taking long walks and then watch the sun set a few afternoons a week on the days he gets off early and picks me up after school. During those times, Jack has shared a lot about his childhood and the horrors he experienced. I feel that I understand him more now. But I still am not exactly sure what  happened that day. I know he said it was the rope and line thing but seriously?  I’d love to talk to him some more about it so that we can avoid whatever upset him. Though he seems so be happy to have it behind us and I’m not sure how it would go over if I brought it up now.  I told him I forgave him, and I do, and bringing it up might seem like I don’t and so I have not said anything.

I still have to admit that I love our time together. Nothing is ruined. If anything, it has brought us closer. There has never been anyone who makes me feel the way Jack makes me feel and he tells me all the time that I am his first love. We talk about our dreams and plans and what we want to do and even about our children. I know it seems silly. We are still young and I have so much that I still want to do.  When I was telling Jack about my dreams of wanting to travel and write in exotic places he got kind of quiet. It was so cute. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that he was jealous. When I’d imagined going, I’d never really planned to bring someone else along, at least in my dreams. But he looked so sad and I told him that of course he could come too and he cheered right up!

I am starting to try to figure out how to afford a car. I want to get a job but I have long days at school and then well, I don’t want to give up my time with Jack.  When my mom doesn’t give me the car, Jack picks me up. They are rationing gas now and they are allowing 0nly the cars with license plates ending in odd numbers to fill up on certain days and the ones that end in even numbers to fill up on others. You have to get there really early in the morning so I have to leave two hours earlier than usual and go sit in line when we need gas in my mom’s car. It’s okay cuzzz I just do my homework while I am waiting. So my mom lets me have the car a lot more often latelybecause she says she’s not going to wait in line for two hours.

I go to a Dental School called SCROC this year after lunch, that is giving me extra credits and we don’t’ get out until 4PM so I get the car more often because my mom doesn’t want to have to stop what she’s doing  and come and pick me up. I can take the bus to and from everything but she would still have to come and pick me up on the days that Jack can’t so she just lets me have her car but I have a feeling my dad is thinking of getting me one of my own. Sometimes Jack will pick me up and we will hang out at the gas station where he works after hours. He has a little Triumph Spitfire and is always complaining about the rearend going out so is constantly tinkering on it. Sometimes he jacks me up on the hydraulic lift while I do my homework in the car.

car up on hydralics

My parents have met Jack but I try not to make a big deal about us going out because I think they’d worry if they really knew how much time we were really spending together. On the days that Jack opens, he gets off earlier than me and so I take the bus to school and then he picks me up. My parents don’t seem to mind and I think my mom likes having her car available for errands at least a few days a week and so it has worked out so far and they seemed to have liked him when they met him. Though they wouldn’t have been very happy if they knew anything about the sailing trip or that we spend a lot of time at Jack’s dad’s place before he gets home.