Just Like Magic

older couple at the beach

I never thought I’d feel like this again,

And yet…Nothing has changed~

For once again it is about your pain.

couple in back seat

You asked me to forgive you and so I did.

For after all I said, we were “just kids.”

sad couple on beach

Forgiveness is such a simple word,

almost like a magical choice,

an eraser that removes the memories,

of all those times you raised your voice.

Or the silence of  a hundred nights,

from the aftermath of a thousand fights.

Just like magic and POUF it’s gone.

A simple act that rights all wrong.

I might have been able to forget but in the end,

You made it all about  you again.

sad man reading

Keri London

2011©

#58 The Storm

journals

Dear Journal,

You are my witness that I tried. I tried so hard. You were the ONLY one that I ever told ANYTHING to! I wanted to protect Jack from himself. And I was embarrassed. So embarrassed that anyone would ever know any of what I have put up with. I never wanted to tell anyone because what if we got back together and all of it was out there? Well, there is NO chance of that NOW. I know that Jack thinks that I talk to people too much and try to get everyone’s advice. I never talked about our fights or Jack’s temper. EVER! But this time, I’m not sure what happened. I guess I kind of feel like if I tell someone what has been going on, I won’t go back. And Oh my dear friend, my faithful little journal, I KNOW I won’t go back this time. Are you applauding me?

So much has happened since I last wrote in you.  I think that anger is a kind of a key that has allowed me to shut that door. Instead of mourning what I have lost and all those broken promises, I feel a relief that I never felt before. I used to sit home and cry after a fight and think about all of our  plans.  NOW you better believe me, he is begging me to set a date. He said that any day would be fine with him. Even Tommorow! It has been exactly one month since he threw me out of “his” house. He has been sitting outside of the entrance to my neighborhood almost every night the last two weeks since school started again. He has parked next to my car at the school where I work so I had to talk to him and after my classes at night at Harbor College. I can’t tell my dad because he would kill him and I don’t want my dad to go crazy because he would if he knew what has been happening. I am protecting my dad. Not Jack.

steering wheel shot

The other day I was at Lindsey’s house and Jack called me there. He told me to go look in my car. I didn’t know what to expect. Even though it was sunny, it was freezing. I ran out with my barefeet because I didn’t know what he might have done. Well, he showed me his true colors. I found Switezer meowing inside my cold car. He said “I don’t want him.” That was the first time that I have cried since I stopped crying after the first week. I didn’t know what to do. Larry ended up calling right when I was having a melt down and Lindsey told him what Jack had just done and Larry asked for my phone number and told me that he might know someone that will take him because I know that my mom won’t let me have him. This is just like Jack. Begging me to take him back and then getting mad and doing something like this when he doesn’t get his own way. I haven’t softened at all. I am glad that he keeps getting mad and doing stupid things because it just reminds me that I deserve better.  I can’t believe that I ever loved him. The thing that surprises me, is that no one was surprised. They knew what was happing all along. I thought that I was fooling everyone.  I’m pretty sure that I hate him now. THIS was the last straw. But it’s not just about the cat. There are so many other things that happened besides the obvious; literally THROWING me out of the house. It is so over.

cat in car

 

#57 The Beginning of the End… Happy New Year

 

pie crust2

 

Dear Journal,

We planned our party for the night after New Years Eve.  I told my parents that I had to get ready for the party that we were having the next day and I didn’t want to drive home with all of the drunks and they actually were okay with me staying at Jack’s.  He came and picked me up and brought me over to his place and we stayed up late enough to welcome in the New Year all by ourselves instead of going out to one of the parties we were invited to, cuz Jack wanted it that way. We kissed at midnight and started messing around all the way to bed and welcomed in the new year some more.

young happy couple

 

In the morning, it was overcast and looked as if it might rain.  I got up early and Jack rolled over and said that he was going to take down the Christmas lights. I really didn’t want him to because he’d already taken down the tree the day after Christmas and he knew I wanted it up for the party. So when he mentioned the lights I asked him if he could just wait until after the party because I wanted it to still look at least a little  festive.  But he refused it was as if he wanted to take away any signs of it having been Christmas.  And so our morning didn’t start out too great.

arguing couples

I know that he is still dealing with stuff about his mom this time of year, so I tried to be understanding but I must say that I was not happy that he wouldn’t wait just one day since he knew that it was important to me for our house to look pretty for the party. It was just the wrong day to take on that project! Especially since we talked about our list of things we needed to get done before the party and taking down the Christmas lights was not one of them.  I needed him to help me with so many  other things and I knew that it was going to take all morning to just do that. But you know how stubborn he is, so he got the ladder out and climbed up on the roof and did what he wanted.

Christmas lights ladder2

 I got dressed and started baking. I’d planned on making a few pies and some horderves for the party. Pie crusts are kind of touchy, if you knead them too much, they get tough. If you let them sit too long they get crumbly and you have to start all over again.  I have to admit I was already frustrated but I really did try to snap out of it because I knew that it would not end well if I stayed mad. I never seem to win our fights. I heard Jack swearing on top of the roof and for whatever reason, he needed my help. Though he put them up all by himself. He called me up there twice. The first time I went up and handed him something and tried to be pleasant and willing about it, but just as I was ready to roll the dough out for the second pie,  he called me again.

ROLLING DOUGH

This time I called back and told him to hold on. I was so surprised when he snapped at me and yelled “NOW!”  I didn’t like his tone of voice and had not heard it since that horrible day at the glider port over a year earlier. I wasn’t too happy as I climbed up the ladder and saw him untangling the strings of lights. I  asked him to please hurry so that my dough wouldn’t get ruined and he threw them at me and told me to untangle them.

Christmas lightsAnd before I could object, he lost it. He got mad and told me that he didn’t want to have the dumb party anyway, how it was all my idea and “my party” and that I was “using” him to play house in “his” house. Those words really hurt. Especially the part about it being his house.  After he put the ladder away, and did whatever he did with the string of light I left lying on the walkway,  he came in and saw that I was crying and got even more upset at me. I’d already made one pie crust perfectly before he called me up. But the second time, I left the last one  in a ball and it felt too dried out when I started rolling it.

dough balll

Everything kept crumbling and falling apart. The thing that made me so mad was that Jack started laughing at me and told me that I couldn’t do anything right. I think maybe he was trying to lighten the mood and just joke around because everytime I tried to roll out the dough it just got worse and he may have realized that he’d just gone a little too far.

CINNAMON ROLLING DOUGH

But by that time I’d lost my temper and had stopped crying. Things just got out of hand. Looking back, I wish that ‘dI just let it go. But for the last three years I have let “IT” go and I am just tired. Anyway,  I was still hurt and angry about what he’d said about it being his house, and instead of saying that he was sorry he just kept following me around egging me on, laughing in my face. He followed me right into the living room as I tried to get away, brushing my floured hands on my apron and just kept laughing at me and my “pathetic excuse for pie crust.” THAT is what he said! He kept at it  until he had me cornered in the living room and I hit the wall of the bay window and to my surprise my fist went right through the paper thin wall! Just punched a hole right into it! I didn’t realize how those walls were made back in those days and well it just surpised me. I started laughing hoping that Jack would start laughing too and we would just see how stupid this fight was and fall down on the floor and make up. I was laughing saying that” I really didn’t mean to do that” and he got that look and said; “yeah, I  can really tell.” And then he started getting all of my stuff and throwing it out of the house in a wild rage and telling me that I needed to “call all of my little friends and call off the party” as he started throwing my books and my purse and my sweat jacket and all of Annie’s letters  out into the front yard. The ribbons slipped and they lay there strewn all over the wet grass.

old letters

He was so out of control I thought he was going to hit me but he didn’t. He just picked me up and threw me off of his front porch and into the yard. I was numb. I don’t remember if I was really hurt. I know later that I’d skinned my elbow being thrown like that but I just picked up my purse and jacket and left everything else and ran out of the front gate.

abuse

I didn’t even stop to think. I just ran. Right past Jess and Louise’s and down Pacific Coast Highway and all the way to a phone booth and called Lindsey. She and Larry came and picked me up. They were supposed to come to the party that night. I think they may have called everyone. I don’t even know. I didn’t care. I just let Jack deal with it. I was so mad. I never wanted to see him again. Happy New Year.

 

sad girl in hood b&w

 

 

 

#49

Dear Journal,

It has been a while since I last wrote in you. And it is hard to believe that it is almost summer again! I got Jack a little kitten for Easter. When I was doing our laundry at the laundromat around the corner a little girl and her dad had a box out front with four kittens in them. There was one boy left so I got him and named him Schweitzer after the kind of Sail Plane that Jack has.

kittennn

Jack loves him and calls him Schwites. He is a funny little kitty and sometimes it seems as if he is trying to make us laugh. Jack let me invite Jess and Louise over for strawberry shortcake and it was a nice evening so we served it out on the patio. Jack took Jess into his shed to show him his workshop while Louise and I chatted. It was a nice night and as I was doing the dishes Jack said something about using HIM to play house. I was so hurt I just stood their washing dishes crying. I don’t even think he knew he’d hurt my feelings cuz later he grabbed my hand and said “lets take a walk” and everything was okay. We still haven’t set a date and it’s been almost six months since he proposed. I think that he really just wanted to make sure that I was not going anywhere but maybe he doesn’t really want to get married.

I had Finals last week and Jack was so proud of me. Even my dad joked about how he was glad that he wasn’t still paying me for my As! I now have a 3.8 average and I am so proud. I think that my dad thinks that Jack is good for me in that way because I never really got interested in school except for writing and my dental assisting classes helped boost up my GPA. Though that was all it was good for since I obviously have not done much with dental assisting.

Anyway, I am looking forward to the summer. The Center is trying to talk me into going to camp again but Jack does not want me to go at all this year. Everyone at the school goes on unemployment but they pay $100 for the week at camp so I told him I wanted to go and he told me that he’d pay me $100 not to. I think he is joking but he sounded kind of serious. He really likes to mess around and so do I but he seems to need it and in a way I am feeling a little used. I sometimes feel that maybe he would have set the date if I’d not given in to so much so fast. He is always jumping all over me and touching me and I love it because I love him but it bothers me sometimes that he doesn’t like me to say no.

couples kissing on bed

Anyway, Jack said I should work on my modeling and stay home and take care of him. (What do you suppose that means?) He is doing well at work. Did I tell you that Jack got promoted and switched to the day shift at work?  My dad was pretty impressed because I know he had nothing to do with it and Jack got a raise all on his own merits.

Lori is coming home for the summer and a few of my other friends have been asking me to do things again so I am glad that I will have my days free for them. They have been kind of annoyed that Jack consumed so much of my time the last couple years. But I was going to school and working and barely saw Jack as it was so it really was my choice and not his fault like they seem to make it out to be. But I think that this may be my last year to just be a kid and I am going to take it and enjoy it.

 

Journal Entry #12 Going Home

CAR

Dear Journal,

My heart pounded as I listened to Jack’s voice breaking as he apologized. “I am so, so sorry.” He kept saying. He finally looked up at me and started the engine. We drove several miles without a word. I am not sure if I was just making sure that we were as close to home as possible or just didn’t know what to say. I was so confused. My mind could not stop rewinding. The days’s events played over and over again in my mind and each time it made me want to get sick. My stomach churned as we wound up the hills from San Pedro to Palos Verdes and I was sure that I was going to throw up.

car couple

Just before we reached the entrance to my neighborhood, Jack turned off on a side street and parked. He still looked anguished but had gained composure. The evening fog began to roll in as he clicked on the heater. Taking my hand he held it and said that he loved me enough to say “goodbye” and how I deserved better and how he knew he had a problem that he thought he could control. That he’d messed things up with Maddie but he thought he could be stronger with me because he loved me so much, but today showed otherwise. He said sometimes he couldn’t even figure out what makes him mad, and that he seems to sabatoge everything good in his life because his mom told him that he was worthless  when he was a little boy.

My hand jerked away as I realized that he was breaking up with me! “YOU are breaking up with ME?” I wanted to scream. Though nothing came out of my mouth. During the drive home I penned many scripts in my head, all things that I wanted to say to him. I planned to break up with him! NOT the other way around! But all I could do was just sit there trying to understand everything that had happened that day. I was so cofused. The more serious he sounded the more it made me freak out. I began remembering all the times we’d shared and tried to imagine life without him and I panicked. I grabbed his leg and shouted “No!” I told him that some how we’d figure this out. I told him that I was different and wouldn’t abandonded him like Maddie did. Even though I’d fully intended to a few hours earlier. In one day I’d gone from being madly in love to wanting to break up to begging for him not to.

Jack stopped talking. I couldn’t stop crying. I pleaded with him to reconsider as if my life depended on it. And in a way it felt as if it did. I imagined his life without me and it made me more sad than picturing mine without him. He needed me! I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed his mouth and his eyes and his hair as he slowly relaxed. I began murmuring; “I will never leave you Jack. Not ever!” Finally he relaxed and we cried together. He lay his head in my lap and as I stroked his hair. It was a strange feeling. In a way I felt oddly maternal and yet it was very sexy. He seemed so trusting and I kept saying, “I will never leave you Jack, I promise, I will never ever leave you.” And I really meant it.

kissing in the car

 

 

Entry #11 On Dry Land

Dear Journal,

So I got in the car. I wasn’t thinking about anything but getting home. Everything else seemed like a camera out of  focus. The dreams I’d begun to imagine with him all were just shattered inside a few minutes. Jack drove a few hundred yards and parked right outside the launching gate entrance, away from the traffic of exiting boaters. My heart pounded. What was he going to do? I wanted to protest and ask him to just drive but I didn’t know how he’d react. All of a sudden, I felt as if I didn’t know anything about him and realized that maybe that is why Laurie was so unhappy that we’d started dating. She knew more than she shared. Maddie was her sister and Jack and Maddie dated for over a year.

boat being pulled by suv

My mind couldn’t seem to stop. I was numb and angry and all those plans, oh yeah well, THEY were all NOT going to happen! All those weeks we’d spent together just seemed like a waste now. The air was so thick. I kept wiping my eyes because for some reason I felt like crying even though I felt mad more than sad. I was so annoyed with myself. I didn’t want him to think I cared. I just wanted him to drive! I wanted to scream “DRIVE!” It was so stupid we were sitting there in silence with his stupid boat hooked to the back of his car and I was afraid to get mad because I didn’t want to upset him again so that he’d take me home.

 

So there we sat until he leaned over and lay his arm across the steering wheel and then put his head on it and sat that way for a long time. I mean a real long time. I kind of started getting mad because I just wanted to go home. I didn’t know what to expect. Was he mad or frustrated or too upset to drive? I didn’t know. But I did know that I just wanted him to turn on the key and move.

steering wheel shot

I almost was going to say something, not sure what exactly but I did know that I didn’t want to sit there all day. So just as I began to open my mouth, he started crying, telling me how sorry he was and how what had happened had nothing to do with me and how he knew that we couldn’t be together and that he always screwed everything up with his temper

.