Just Like Magic

older couple at the beach

I never thought I’d feel like this again,

And yet…Nothing has changed~

For once again it is about your pain.

couple in back seat

You asked me to forgive you and so I did.

For after all I said, we were “just kids.”

sad couple on beach

Forgiveness is such a simple word,

almost like a magical choice,

an eraser that removes the memories,

of all those times you raised your voice.

Or the silence of  a hundred nights,

from the aftermath of a thousand fights.

Just like magic and POUF it’s gone.

A simple act that rights all wrong.

I might have been able to forget but in the end,

You made it all about  you again.

sad man reading

Keri London

2011©

The “YOU” inside my head

window seat girl

The shadows still block the light

and yet  sunshine flickers through.

When I wash my car, even now,

I always think of you!

washing cars

Why do my memories seem

like a valued work of art?

Why is it that yesterday

is still trapped inside my heart?

sad girl staring out window

Am I just in love with the boy

that I wanted you to be,

even though today,

you are but a stranger now to me?

couple at end of dock

It makes me wonder if I was just in love

with the “you” inside my head,

just a figment of my imagination

a mere fantasy instead…

peter pan never grow up

An escape from reality,

a place that I softly fall,

a love that I used to know

that meant the most of all?

computer2

Or was it ever really real,

that place I’d wander to…

The Neverland of make believe

where I thought that I’d find you?

Keri London

1977©

The Rooms In My Head

       sad girl staring out window

The rooms in my head are full.

filled with the pounding of my heart,

and the pain of yesterday.

girl in bed covered in cobwebs

And they are empty,

without beds or sofas,

without tables or chairs,

Seattle staircase

without you.

And yet,

you are there.

Like a vapor,

smoke

you haunt every corner of my heart.

I try to escape the scent.

I try to run far,

No distance,

nor miles…

jogger in the distance

no matter how far,

can help me escape.

YOU are in the rooms in my head.

shadow man

Keri London

2014

I Still Go There Sometimes

Like a breeze the scent of the past fills me.

 Peeking through it’s window my heart sees bits of the story.

Blue house windows

And for that moment I am snapped back

to a place that makes me want to believe in happy endings.

And I find myself stuck between reality and pretending.

window woman opening

 I must admit, that I still go there sometimes, that place in my mind,

Where we left that old house and all of our dreams behind.

sad woman reading a letter

when my life is in turmoil or I just want to believe

I wander back there through the door

but no one is there anymore…

door leaning

So I push my heart back and remember where I am now

and why I left then

and I believe in today again.

clouds of joy

Keri London

2015

To Not Know Where You Went…

Some days I can wake up and…

you won’t be the first thing on my mind

crying girll 

But slowly, as my day begins,

you are there as my heart rewinds

peeking through the front door

I still can’t go a whole day,

but now I can go several hours,

without my heart feeling  as if it’s been

scraped upon the ground

sad woman2

I don’t look for you as I once did,

But I don’t need to, you’re always there

lonely window

Though I don’t wander through your life anymore

It’s not because I don’t care.

I just had to find my way back to my life now

to find a way to let go somehow….

phone message2

Sometimes it’s harder to catch my breath

as your memory fills my head like a scent

And other times it is like a relief

just to not know where you went.

Keri…

 letting go poem2

#61 I’m NOT Mowing Your Lawn Anymore!

Dear Journal,

I guess I am in what you might call melancholy mode. I really want to try to document this because I always seem to go back. I almost softened one last time when Jack made me come and pick up something he was going to throw out if I didn’t come and get it. I knew that it was his way of seeing me again but I went anyway. And I didn’t bother mentioning that I was going over there to anyone.  I was glad to see that no-one was home next door when I arrived. I mean there was no danger of us getting back together NOW that I have told everyone why we broke up. He really made it kind of hard not to involve other people since we had a huge party planned on the night I left or actually the night he KICKED me out. And I am tired of protecting him so I just told everyone the truth. “I am tired of the abuse.”

boxes3

When I walked in and saw all the boxes, I have to admit that it took my breath away. I mean, it was like seeing all of our dreams taped up in boxes. They were the same boxes that we used to move in, still with my writing on each one and it made me pretty sad. He begged me to take my ring back. He said that even if we weren’t together, he couldn’t stand having it. I told him I couldn’t either and so he said he would throw it in the ocean and so I took it. We sat down on the bed and he tried to kiss me and asked for one more time just for old time’s sake. He said that he knew it was over but he needed me and to just give him this one last time. He looked so sad. And in a weak moment my mind went blank and I couldn’t think and relented. I am not sure what I was thinking. I guess I was not! I’m sorry but even though I really do know that it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, it is just so hard to let go. That is until he started talking and ruined the moment.

making love 70s pic

I am not sure how it came up but he told me that he’d called an old girlfriend and that she said that he needed to go back to Keri because all he did was talk about me. I remembered how he talked a lot about Maddie when we were first together and all of a sudden I thought : I AM NOT DOING THIS! And I pushed him off of me and jumped up. I think that he was thinking that he was telling me something that would help his case, that I should be happy that he was so in love with me that he couldn’t even stop talking about me when he was out on a date! But how stupid! He was OUT on a date!!!! That totally broke the mood when I found out. What did he want me to say?? “Ooooh how sweet?!”  Even if we were broken up, I have to admit it made me jealous that he was already calling girls. Though, I didn’t tell him that Larry called me a few times. He has. Of course, I didn’t go out with him or call him back! He keeps calling though.

walking out the door

I guess that I am really glad that he told me. It made me realize that his heart is in a different place than mine. Maybe I was playing house like he accused me of doing so many times. But I  realized that day that we clearly wanted different things. I am not sure why he even gave me a ring or gave me that beautiful speech when he did. Or why he made me believe in all the dreams we talked about. When we first broke up, I went back and forth to hating him and then feeling sorry for him and trying to forgive him because of his childhood. I still believe that he was the kid with the story no one would believe. And I really did want to give him a better “rest of his life” thinking that I could fix everything I really believed that I could, or at least try to. I remembered promising him forever and that I would NEVER leave. But you can’t force loyalty on someone who just doesn’t appreciate it or can barely grasp the concept of real love. And after the last fight, I didn’t want to die trying anymore because I knew that it was just a matter or time when he might really hurt more than just my heart and my pride.  That last day when I walked down the pathway and out the gate. I wasn’t crying anymore. I’m not sure what I thought but I remember thinking… “He really needs to mow the lawn.”