#48 Dear Journal The Funeral


Dear Journal,

I remember Liz telling me once that if you really hate someone, you leave them a dollar in your will. And that is what Liz did. Rachel has been wonderful on the other hand and told Jack that they both knew that she’d written that in during one of her “crazy episodes” as she called them and split everything in half. Though during the last part of her life, there wasn’t a lot to split. They both took whatever furniture they wanted. Rachel insisted that she didn’t want it, so Jack took her car.

spots on the carpet

I was in a daze the entire time, a horrible spot was left where they’d found her on the carpet and I didn’t want either Rachel or Jack to have to deal with it so I drove myself to her apartment one day and had a good cry all alone in there. It was pretty empty by then and the scent of cigarettes and Chanel #5 still lingered there. When I stood up to survey the spot I’d been cleaning, I saw that I’d pretty much gotten it out, and for a split second, I felt her there. But not in a creepy scary kind of way but in a sad but peaceful lingering kind of way that made me wonder if perhaps she was now truly at peace like she never quite was able to be here.

funeral casket


When they’d taken her body, Jack and I had the task of picking out her clothes and we included the Bible we gave her to be buried with her. It looked as if she’d been reading it which comforted us both. And we looked all over for her cross we’d given her. Jack was pretty heart-broken that we couldn’t find it. So before the people arrived I took mine off and handed it to him. And he put it on his mom lying there in the casket. It was all so sad and at that moment I realized that everything was just going to be buried. She was already not there.

In the limo Jack was stiff. I actually had not seen him cry since the first day when he’d told me. He kind of just fell in my arms and we cried together.

hugging crying man1



After that he’d kind of numbly walked through it all. I didn’t know if I should hold his hand or not. So I just folded my hands and looked out the window and prayed for it all to be over as fast as possible.

At the grave site, I saw my parents. My dad must have taken off work I remember thinking and my mom even came. I felt a lump rise in my throat when I saw them both and when Jack saw them, everything broke all at once and he fell into my mom’s arms and sobbed.

hugging crying man

After that, life has gone back to as normal as possible. It has not been easy. Jack’s dad took Bootsie and we haven’t heard much from Rachel since she’s gone back to school.  Amber Oil is still up for sale and Rachel is dealing with trying to contact Richard. Still no word though. Did I tell you that he wrote me? Sent a sweet card for my birthday telling me that he was happier than he’d been in a long time, pushing a broom at a hospital in Arizona, the only problem was that there was no return address.



11 thoughts on “#48 Dear Journal The Funeral

  1. I had a neighbor who died in his house alone one August many years ago – There was no cleaning up where he died. They took the chair out wrapped in plastic. At least it was natural. Suicide leaves unseen spots on so many lives …

  2. As I read the part where Jack fell into your mother’s arms I was really touched, and hoping maybe your family could become his, and you all might eventually live happily ever after. However, I know it just isn’t that simple. 😦

    I sent you an email in response to post # 47.


    • Theresa, it was really sad. My mom was my mom so she knew me. I may have thought that I was fooling her but she would see me so sad and then not so sad and at times pretty happy when we were together. But she just knew that we were not a good match. She saw the red flags that I was too young to look for or just was in too much denial to see. So her mother’s heart for me was her first priority but she understood that he needed a mom and was in pain so tried to be there for him. I ended up sharing more with her about his childhood after his mom died and both my parents were compassionate but they were concerned for me because they saw his temper and unstable character from a parental perspective and now I totally get it. But yeah the hug was a turning point but the story had more to it because he’d kind of shut down with me but was vulnerable with my mom and I was feeling so guilty I was in my own selfish pain at the time.

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