#48 Dear Journal The Funeral

 

Dear Journal,

I remember Liz telling me once that if you really hate someone, you leave them a dollar in your will. And that is what Liz did. Rachel has been wonderful on the other hand and told Jack that they both knew that she’d written that in during one of her “crazy episodes” as she called them and split everything in half. Though during the last part of her life, there wasn’t a lot to split. They both took whatever furniture they wanted. Rachel insisted that she didn’t want it, so Jack took her car.

I was in a daze the entire time, a horrible spot was left where they’d found her on the carpet and I didn’t want either Rachel or Jack to have to deal with it so I drove myself to her apartment one day and had a good cry all alone in there. It was pretty empty by then and the scent of cigarettes and Chanel #5 still lingered there. When I stood up to survey the spot I’d been cleaning, I saw that I’d pretty much gotten it out, and for a split second, I felt her there. But not in a creepy scary kind of way but in a sad but peaceful lingering kind of way that made me wonder if perhaps she was now truly at peace like she never quite was able to be here.

 

When they’d taken her body, Jack and I had the task of picking out her clothes and we included the Bible we gave her to be buried with her. It looked as if she’d been reading it which comforted us both. And we looked all over for her cross we’d given her. Jack was pretty heart-broken that we couldn’t find it. So before the people arrived I took mine off and handed it to him. And he put it on his mom lying there in the casket. It was all so sad and at that moment I realized that everything was just going to be buried. She was already not there.

In the limo Jack was stiff. I actually had not seen him cry since the first day when he’d told me. He kind of just fell in my arms and we cried together.

 

 

After that he’d kind of numbly walked through it all. I didn’t know if I should hold his hand or not. So I just folded my hands and looked out the window and prayed for it all to be over as fast as possible.

At the grave site, I saw my parents. My dad must have taken off work I remember thinking and my mom even came. I felt a lump rise in my throat when I saw them both and when Jack saw them, everything broke all at once and he fell into my mom’s arms and sobbed.

After that, life has gone back to as normal as possible. It has not been easy. Jack’s dad took Bootsie and we haven’t heard much from Rachel since she’s gone back to school.  Amber Oil is still up for sale and Rachel is dealing with trying to contact Richard. Still no word though. Did I tell you that he wrote me? Sent a sweet card for my birthday telling me that he was happier than he’d been in a long time, pushing a broom at a hospital in Arizona, the only problem was that there was no return address.