#48 Dear Journal The Funeral

 

Dear Journal,

I remember Liz telling me once that if you really hate someone, you leave them a dollar in your will. And that is what Liz did. Rachel has been wonderful on the other hand and told Jack that they both knew that she’d written that in during one of her “crazy episodes” as she called them and split everything in half. Though during the last part of her life, there wasn’t a lot to split. They both took whatever furniture they wanted. Rachel insisted that she didn’t want it, so Jack took her car.

I was in a daze the entire time, a horrible spot was left where they’d found her on the carpet and I didn’t want either Rachel or Jack to have to deal with it so I drove myself to her apartment one day and had a good cry all alone in there. It was pretty empty by then and the scent of cigarettes and Chanel #5 still lingered there. When I stood up to survey the spot I’d been cleaning, I saw that I’d pretty much gotten it out, and for a split second, I felt her there. But not in a creepy scary kind of way but in a sad but peaceful lingering kind of way that made me wonder if perhaps she was now truly at peace like she never quite was able to be here.

 

When they’d taken her body, Jack and I had the task of picking out her clothes and we included the Bible we gave her to be buried with her. It looked as if she’d been reading it which comforted us both. And we looked all over for her cross we’d given her. Jack was pretty heart-broken that we couldn’t find it. So before the people arrived I took mine off and handed it to him. And he put it on his mom lying there in the casket. It was all so sad and at that moment I realized that everything was just going to be buried. She was already not there.

In the limo Jack was stiff. I actually had not seen him cry since the first day when he’d told me. He kind of just fell in my arms and we cried together.

 

 

After that he’d kind of numbly walked through it all. I didn’t know if I should hold his hand or not. So I just folded my hands and looked out the window and prayed for it all to be over as fast as possible.

At the grave site, I saw my parents. My dad must have taken off work I remember thinking and my mom even came. I felt a lump rise in my throat when I saw them both and when Jack saw them, everything broke all at once and he fell into my mom’s arms and sobbed.

After that, life has gone back to as normal as possible. It has not been easy. Jack’s dad took Bootsie and we haven’t heard much from Rachel since she’s gone back to school.  Amber Oil is still up for sale and Rachel is dealing with trying to contact Richard. Still no word though. Did I tell you that he wrote me? Sent a sweet card for my birthday telling me that he was happier than he’d been in a long time, pushing a broom at a hospital in Arizona, the only problem was that there was no return address.

 

#47 Dear Journal Suicide

Dear Journal,

I know it’s been a few weeks since I posted after I told you that Jack and I got engaged and I am sorry but it’s been hard to sit down to even think or gather my thoughts like I like to when I write to you. But let me explain…

I guess there is just NO way to say it but     bluntly.

I am not sure how such joy can turn into such sadness in just the blink of an eye. Like I said, it’s been a few weeks since the funeral and I am not sure how to even begin. I know I need to, because writing in you has become my soft place to fall, a place to perhaps even help me remember someday. But this is something that I don’t need to write down because I know I will never forget these last few days.

I don’t know how to even write it except to just say it. Liz is dead.

We were going to tell her about our being engaged that night of the day that they found her. I guess Rachel had been keeping in touch with her. The pattern usually was Jack would run to her from wherever he was. Even another state going to school. But I was the one who’d stopped him from doing that. I thought I was protecting him. I thought that I was helping them break a bad habit and to stop the madness. I didn’t expect her to kll herself.

I was ironing what I was going to wear that night. I was so happy. I was suprised that a lot of my friends were not thrilled about my news about being engaged, including my mom who kept saying that we should have a LONG engagement. I just knew that Liz would be happy for us. But I wanted to be firm with her and set up boundaries. I kept thinking about if we had babies how I would feel uncomfortable leaving them with her and how I didn’t want to feel that way about my own mother in law and now I didn’t have to worry. She was gone. I would never have to worry about that again.

I kept looking at the clock. Jack was over an hour late. Finally his dad called me and said “Keri honey, I am sorry to have to tell you this over the phone, but Jack’s mom died, he will call you as soon as he can.” At first I thought something had happened to Jack but his dad is a man of few words and cut to the chase. I just hung up the phone and crumpled to the floor and stayed that way sobbing and remembering Liz from the beginnng, the fun times, and the long talks and then the not so good times and the times Jack had shared and wondered what I was thinking butting in. I just hated myself for a while and was feeling so guilty.

In the days that followed Jack was stoic. We’d learned that she’d taken a lot of valium but not a lethal dose so we don’t think that this was another actual suicide attempt. The findings were that the combination of alcohol and valium is what caused her to die. But I couldn’t help but think if I had just stayed out of it and let Jack go when he wanted to, and bring her the stupid cat food she might still be here. No. She would still be here. I wonder if Jack felt the same. He was being so sweet to me but I couldn’t help it. I truly felt that I killed her and Oh Dear Journal, I am just so sad for Jack and for me and for Liz and for everyone. I can’t stop crying.