#58 The Storm

Dear Journal,

You are my witness that I tried. I tried so hard. You were the ONLY one that I ever told ANYTHING to! I wanted to protect Jack from himself. And I was embarrassed. So embarrassed that anyone would ever know any of what I have put up with. I never wanted to tell anyone because what if we got back together and all of it was out there? Well, there is NO chance of that NOW. I know that Jack thinks that I talk to people too much and try to get everyone’s advice. I never talked about our fights or Jack’s temper. EVER! But this time, I’m not sure what happened. I guess I kind of feel like if I tell someone what has been going on, I won’t go back. And Oh my dear friend, my faithful little journal, I KNOW I won’t go back this time. Are you applauding me?

So much has happened since I last wrote in you.  I think that anger is a kind of a key that has allowed me to shut that door. Instead of mourning what I have lost and all those broken promises, I feel a relief that I never felt before. I used to sit home and cry after a fight and think about all of our  plans.  NOW you better believe me, he is begging me to set a date. He said that any day would be fine with him. Even Tommorow! It has been exactly one month since he threw me out of “his” house. He has been sitting outside of the entrance to my neighborhood almost every night the last two weeks since school started again. He has parked next to my car at the school where I work so I had to talk to him and after my classes at night at Harbor College. I can’t tell my dad because he would kill him and I don’t want my dad to go crazy because he would if he knew what has been happening. I am protecting my dad. Not Jack.

The other day I was at Lindsey’s house and Jack called me there. He told me to go look in my car. I didn’t know what to expect. Even though it was sunny, it was freezing. I ran out with my barefeet because I didn’t know what he might have done. Well, he showed me his true colors. I found Switezer meowing inside my cold car. He said “I don’t want him.” That was the first time that I have cried since I stopped crying after the first week. I didn’t know what to do. Larry ended up calling right when I was having a melt down and Lindsey told him what Jack had just done and Larry asked for my phone number and told me that he might know someone that will take him because I know that my mom won’t let me have him. This is just like Jack. Begging me to take him back and then getting mad and doing something like this when he doesn’t get his own way. I haven’t softened at all. I am glad that he keeps getting mad and doing stupid things because it just reminds me that I deserve better.  I can’t believe that I ever loved him. The thing that surprises me, is that no one was surprised. They knew what was happing all along. I thought that I was fooling everyone.  I’m pretty sure that I hate him now. THIS was the last straw. But it’s not just about the cat. There are so many other things that happened besides the obvious; literally THROWING me out of the house. It is so over.

 

#57 The Beginning of the End… Happy New Year

 

 

Dear Journal,

We planned our party for the night after New Years Eve.  I told my parents that I had to get ready for the party that we were having the next day and I didn’t want to drive home with all of the drunks and they actually were okay with me staying at Jack’s.  He came and picked me up and brought me over to his place and we stayed up late enough to welcome in the New Year all by ourselves instead of going out to one of the parties we were invited to, cuz Jack wanted it that way. We kissed at midnight and started messing around all the way to bed and welcomed in the new year some more.

 

In the morning, it was overcast and looked as if it might rain.  I got up early and Jack rolled over and said that he was going to take down the Christmas lights. I really didn’t want him to because he’d already taken down the tree the day after Christmas and he knew I wanted it up for the party. So when he mentioned the lights I asked him if he could just wait until after the party because I wanted it to still look at least a little  festive.  But he refused it was as if he wanted to take away any signs of it having been Christmas.  And so our morning didn’t start out too great.

I know that he is still dealing with stuff about his mom this time of year, so I tried to be understanding but I must say that I was not happy that he wouldn’t wait just one day since he knew that it was important to me for our house to look pretty for the party. It was just the wrong day to take on that project! Especially since we talked about our list of things we needed to get done before the party and taking down the Christmas lights was not one of them.  I needed him to help me with so many  other things and I knew that it was going to take all morning to just do that. But you know how stubborn he is, so he got the ladder out and climbed up on the roof and did what he wanted.

 I got dressed and started baking. I’d planned on making a few pies and some horderves for the party. Pie crusts are kind of touchy, if you knead them too much, they get tough. If you let them sit too long they get crumbly and you have to start all over again.  I have to admit I was already frustrated but I really did try to snap out of it because I knew that it would not end well if I stayed mad. I never seem to win our fights. I heard Jack swearing on top of the roof and for whatever reason, he needed my help. Though he put them up all by himself. He called me up there twice. The first time I went up and handed him something and tried to be pleasant and willing about it, but just as I was ready to roll the dough out for the second pie,  he called me again.

This time I called back and told him to hold on. I was so surprised when he snapped at me and yelled “NOW!”  I didn’t like his tone of voice and had not heard it since that horrible day at the glider port over a year earlier. I wasn’t too happy as I climbed up the ladder and saw him untangling the strings of lights. I  asked him to please hurry so that my dough wouldn’t get ruined and he threw them at me and told me to untangle them.

And before I could object, he lost it. He got mad and told me that he didn’t want to have the dumb party anyway, how it was all my idea and “my party” and that I was “using” him to play house in “his” house. Those words really hurt. Especially the part about it being his house.  After he put the ladder away, and did whatever he did with the string of light I left lying on the walkway,  he came in and saw that I was crying and got even more upset at me. I’d already made one pie crust perfectly before he called me up. But the second time, I left the last one  in a ball and it felt too dried out when I started rolling it.

Everything kept crumbling and falling apart. The thing that made me so mad was that Jack started laughing at me and told me that I couldn’t do anything right. I think maybe he was trying to lighten the mood and just joke around because everytime I tried to roll out the dough it just got worse and he may have realized that he’d just gone a little too far.

But by that time I’d lost my temper and had stopped crying. Things just got out of hand. Looking back, I wish that ‘dI just let it go. But for the last three years I have let “IT” go and I am just tired. Anyway,  I was still hurt and angry about what he’d said about it being his house, and instead of saying that he was sorry he just kept following me around egging me on, laughing in my face. He followed me right into the living room as I tried to get away, brushing my floured hands on my apron and just kept laughing at me and my “pathetic excuse for pie crust.” THAT is what he said! He kept at it  until he had me cornered in the living room and I hit the wall of the bay window and to my surprise my fist went right through the paper thin wall! Just punched a hole right into it! I didn’t realize how those walls were made back in those days and well it just surpised me. I started laughing hoping that Jack would start laughing too and we would just see how stupid this fight was and fall down on the floor and make up. I was laughing saying that” I really didn’t mean to do that” and he got that look and said; “yeah, I  can really tell.” And then he started getting all of my stuff and throwing it out of the house in a wild rage and telling me that I needed to “call all of my little friends and call off the party” as he started throwing my books and my purse and my sweat jacket and all of Annie’s letters  out into the front yard. The ribbons slipped and they lay there strewn all over the wet grass.

He was so out of control I thought he was going to hit me but he didn’t. He just picked me up and threw me off of his front porch and into the yard. I was numb. I don’t remember if I was really hurt. I know later that I’d skinned my elbow being thrown like that but I just picked up my purse and jacket and left everything else and ran out of the front gate.

I didn’t even stop to think. I just ran. Right past Jess and Louise’s and down Pacific Coast Highway and all the way to a phone booth and called Lindsey. She and Larry came and picked me up. They were supposed to come to the party that night. I think they may have called everyone. I don’t even know. I didn’t care. I just let Jack deal with it. I was so mad. I never wanted to see him again. Happy New Year.

 

 

 

 

#56 The Way Christmas is Supposed to Be.

 

Dear Journal,

Christmas was quiet this year. His dad loved his watch which we gave him during the day on Christmas Eve. He gave Jack money and me a wonderful book of poems by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.. I was so touched that he’d remembered that I liked to write poetry and that she was supposed to be my ancestor.  We did Christmas Eve at our house as we always do and then on Christmas morning I got up really early to go to Jack’s to make him a Christmas breakfast. I told him that it would be our tradition in all the years to come.

 

 When I woke him up with a cup of coffee, he grabbed me and pushed me into bed with him. He felt warm and his mood was sweet so I set the coffee down and climbed in bed with him.

 It was a nice beginning to the day. Then Jack hopped up and brought me a gift in bed. It was  the softest robe I’d ever felt and I put it on and finished breakfast and opening presents wearing just that.

Jack spoiled me this year as always. He got me a cassette player for my car and told me that he would install it. I am so lucky that he is so handy. I bought him a new bedspread and some clothes and at the last minute I found  him a poster first and then a stuffed Tigger. He fell in love with him when we saw the Winnie The Pooh movie at the Drive In with another feature we wanted to see. At first when we heard that one of the movies was going to be a cartoon, we almost didn’t go!  But we ended up loving it. And after seeing it Jack always says ttfn when he says good bye cuz he said he doesn’t like to say “goodbye”. You know ttfn, means ta ta for now. He said he relates to Tigger’s character and he laughed so hard when he opened that gift and saw him. When we made his bed, he put on the new bedspread and then ran to get his stuffed Tigger  and put him on top of it. It was cute.

I brought a basket of cookies over to Jess and Louise and a toy for Mopsy from Jack and I and he made them a plaque for their house. He’d taken a picture of them sitting on the porch of their house and then shlacked it onto a piece of wood and burnt the edges and stained it. They thought that it was so thoughtful and Jess seemed really impressed. Jack had shown him what he was doing with posters but you could tell that they were both pretty touched by the gift since they were planning on moving and said that they would always treasure it.  Louise  gave me a wonderful recipe box filled with all of her wonderful recipes she has been teaching me to make. Jess gave Jack some tool for his shed that he seemed to really appreciate.

 

I stayed till late that night because Jack decided to put my stereo in and it took a few hours longer than I think he was counting on. But it works perfectly. We ended up snuggling up at the end of the night under the Christmas tree staring up at the lights, talking about our future. It was perfect.

 

 

Jack had surprised me. When I started the car. He’d put a BREAD cassette in my player and put the song on Baby I’m A Want You. I listened to it all the way home.  I love him so much! It was the best Christmas ever. Just how Christmas is supposed to be.

 

 

Dear Journal #55 Life Goes On

 

Dear Journal,

Jess and Louise have been talking about going on another trip to Misourri soon but they said that they are waiting for the economy to do something. But it would be nice to drive from Lomita to work rather than from my house in PV. It just seems like PV is so far away from freeways and everything. If Jack and I could set a date then everything would be fine because this would be my house too but until then, I take the route around Portuguese Bend and get on the freeway through San Pedro. I drive past this wonderful house with blue and white awnings on Walker Street and think that someday… I want to live in San Pedro. And even though our house is in Lomita, I have this strong feeling that someday I am going to live in San Pedro. Maybe not in that house but in that town.  Weird huh?

The other day I was out mowing the lawn and the wheel fell off again, I went in to find the wrench that Jess had given me and when I came back, Jess was out in the yard just finishing tightening up the wheel. He is so sweet. We couldn’t have asked for better neighbors! It was Thanksgiving a few weeks ago and they invited us over for pumpkin pie and coffee one night after dinner. I think that Louise is probably the best cook I know besides my grandma. I love the way their house smells. It reminds me of  the smell of my grandma’s house a lot.

 

I think that Christmas is going to be hard this year. I guess it’s always going to be kind of hard for Jack and I. My mom invited Jack’s dad again this year but he said that he is spending it with Rachel at his sister’s. I told Jack that he could go too. But he said he’d rather spend it with us. We bought his dad a nice watch. I told Jack that we should have him over for dinner right before to give it to him. He said that he thought that would be nice.

We have been going up to Lake Arrowhead and Big Bear and taking our cross country skiis that Jack bought me. We go and find perfect spots to skii and then come back to our cabin.

 

We have found this cute place in Lake Arrowhead with a little kitchen and it’s own bedroom. It is so much fun. I love Christmas. I hope that the memories of what happend won’t ruin it forever. I was happily surprised last weekend, I’d spent the day with Lori going Christmas shopping since she is home for Christmas break and it was dusk when I drove up to find the last touches to Jack’s putting up Christmas lights on our house. I had the happiest feeling in my heart when I saw it!

Jack and I invited friends over for New year’s Day evening. This year it falls on a Saturday so that is why we chose that night and besides, everyone has places to go on New Year’s Eve. Jack seems happy and to be getting into the spirit of things. I was so worried that he’d be sad. But he seems okay. It is hard to believe that we have been engaged for a whole year!

 

 

 

Journal #54 Just As I Am

Dear Journal,

I am not sure if I ever wrote about this to you, but Jack and I started going to a little church behind his dad’s apartment building while he was living there. For a while, we were going pretty regularly. Jack even got baptized there. I’d been baptized a year or so before I met him and so we talked about it after a particularly moving sermon, he told me that he’d been really thinking a lot about it. So one Sunday a few weeks later, he went forward as we were singing “Just As I am”  It was such a sweet moment. I think that I will always remember it.

 

We’ve made friends with this couple there. Matt and Barbara. They are married! We’ve been  over to their house a few times and I have to admit that I want what they have. Sometimes Barb invites us to her parent’s house who also go to that  church,  actually her whole family goes there. She told us that  she’s grown up there. Matt on the other hand, never went to  church before he met her but is very involved now. They have a real neat story.

I love going over to her mom’s house with Jack for those Sunday Suppers. Jack always seemed to crave anything family and loves going too. Probably even more than I do, even though he makes me beg him everytime to pleeeease go after we get in the car. He always acts like he doesn’t want to but always gives in and ends up having a good time every single time. One day he picked up a guitar that they had lying around and began strumming it and Barb’s dad told him how good he was. Jack acted nonchalant when he thanked him, but I knew he was beaming on the inside. Anytime my dad compliments him, it means a lot.

 

Not too long after that he started bringing the guitar that his dad gave him a few years ago to youth group and he actually has a really good voice. It seems when we are going to church more often, Jack is kinder and less angry. Though, since we moved into our little house in Lomita we don’t go as much and I guess that even though we are not officially living together I am kind of embarrassed that we are engaged without a date so I haven’t pushed going. But I have to admit that everytime I do go, it kind of  feels like coming home and being welcomed just as I am or just as we are. Though in a way, I always feel as if I am faking it.

 

The other day, I saw Barb because I was invited to a baby shower and she called and said that she would pick me up because it was over in Lomita.  When  we were getting in her car to drive home, she asked if I had a good time just as I was reaching in her backseat to get my sweater,  I just blurted out…. “Sometimes when I go to these things, I feel like I am just faking it and everyone knows it.” And without missing a beat she laughed and said to me… “Keri, everyone there is faking it!” She cracks me up. And we had a good laugh. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. It felt good.

 

 

I thought about it all the way home. I guess she is right. I guess that maybe I am not the only one who feels kind of out of place and it’s pretty cool to realize that God loves me anyway, just as I am, right where I am. And no one can take that away from me.

 

 

 

#53 Kids and Marriage and cigarette Burns

Dear Journal,
Jack and I have been looking for new cars and just bought a brand new 1976 bright orange Honda Civic with a sunroof and everything. It was almost $5000! Can you believe it? My little Fiat was less than half that and it was only three years old when I got it. But I love it. I love the smell of a new car! The weekend that we bought it, we drove it to to the glider port and we both went up and ended up staying in a little motel near there so Jack could go up again the next day. It has been really good between Jack and me lately.
Jack has a friend at his work Bob, who is going through a custody battle with his kids. A boy and a girl. It is so sad. I never saw such a good dad. He really loves his kids and his wife is not very nice. We took them soaring one weekend right after we got the car and Bob and his kids met us there. The kids got bored pretty fast and complained because their dad’s car didn’t have air conditioning and it was really hot that day. Of course our new car did, so while Bob and I were up flying in different planes,  Jack was in charge of the kids and let them sit in our car with the air on while their dad finished flying with Glen, my old instructor. After we said goodbye to Bob who had to get the kids back by a certain time,  we got back in the car to drive home and noticed the front passenger seat had a burn mark where it looked as if the kids had been playing with the  car lighter.

I have to admit that I was really surprised that Jack was so calm about it. I think that he realized that it could have been a lot worse. Though the kids were older and should have known better, it is never smart to leave kids in a running car, period. But I didn’t need to say anything. I knew he “GOT” it when he saw the damaged seat. And I mean it was right in the middle of the seat! We tried to get an upholstry and carpet mending glue but it only made it worse. That is when Jack had an idea, for “me” to re-upholster the seats with my new sewing machine that he’d gotten me last Christmas!

I have been making weighted sand bags out of canvas with my sewing machine for the sail planes to trade for tows, but that has been the extent of my recent sewing.   Jack said that whatever happened, we’d have to get the seats fixed anyway so that I couldn’t really hurt anything. And so I told him that if he could get the seats out, I would try. We never really liked the checker board insert in the upholstry so we went shopping and found this great faux white leather and he pulled apart the seats. (Which… I know, I know, could have been quite a disaster!) But we actually worked really well together!

I measured the inserts and actually re-upholstered the two front seats with it. And if I do say so myself, it looks way better than the checkerboard. Especially without the burn mark!

 

Jack was so impressed and said that he was proud of me. It gives me hope. Something that could have been a huge blow up, became a positive project for both of us. It felt so good to accomplish something together without one fight!

I think that just maybe, he is learning that we can get through a lot without it becoming a huge blow up everytime something doesn’t go exactly right. And that the way that his parents handled the hard stuff doesn’t have to be the way that he does or we do. We can break the cycle and have a grown up relationship without always breaking up everytime we have a disagreement. I just hope that those kids and all of Bob’s problems don’t influence Jack’s thought on getting married!

 

 

 

 

#52 Dear Journal – House Sitting

Dear Journal,
I’ve been house sitting for Jess and Louise a couple of times over the last few months. It’s been kind of nice because it’s like I have my own place. It has been so nice sitting on that wonderful porch after work with a glass of iced tea writing. I like to imagine that it is my house. I used to like to imagine that it was Jack and my place but it’s funny, now I pretend that it is all just mine.

My parents are okay with me staying there alone.  When Jess and Louise go farm hunting in Missouri, they go for weeks at a time. At first I’d just go and feed Mopsy and come back over to Jack’s and bring her with me. It’s funny because Switze and her get along. You wouldn’t expect to see a dog and a cat playing so well. It’s very entertaining. Some nights, I just stay at Jack’s. But I told him that I’d rather sleep over there even though he wasn’t happy about it, because my parents are trusting me and I didn’t want to ruin things since this might be going on for quite a while.

 

 

One night I had Jack over for dinner and he stayed the night. But most nights, he goes home to his own place and I stay at Jess and Louise’s. On those mornings I don’t see him at all until we both get home from work.  A few times, I had Jack and Larry and Lindsey over for a barbecue during the week  and one weekend after we’d gone out dancing we’d all come back to the house and stayed up really late. We’d had a bottle of cab and Jack had just gone home when I was just cleaning up and  Larry came back over cuz, he’d forgotten his sunglasses. He ended up staying really late talking. And we really were just talking.  He  is a nice guy. But I’m not stupid.  I’ve said before, I know he likes me. I almost wish that Jack would have looked out and seen his truck and confronted him. But he didn’t.

I still guess we are engaged. I still wear my ring. I think that Jack feels that engaged means forever. I do too. But I feel that engaged means setting a date to get married. I wonder if I took off my ring or gave it back and told him to keep it until he was ready to set a date what he would do? It is hard to believe that in a couple of months it will have been a year since we have been engaged.

 

 

#51 The Calm Before The Storm

 

Dear Journal,

I think it must be that I have never had someone I loved die before. Or maybe I just don’t know what to do with the feelings of guilt that I feel. I want to ask Jack if he blames me for not letting him go see his mom when she called. I want to talk about it with him but I don’t want to make him talk about it if he doesn’t want to because after all, it has been months now. But I just can’t seem to move on inside and I still feel like I want to cry all the time.. When I wake up, I sometimes forget at first what has happened, and then I remember. I can’t stop remembering. My mom even said that maybe I need to see someone. I told her no way! That I was okay. That I would write it out. So here I am again. You know, maybe I should start praying more. I feel like this journal thing is kind of like talking to God in a way.

I spend the night at Jack’s house a lot. I say I’m at a friend’s and they don’t ask anymore. I think they know that I’m with Jack. I’m not proud of it. The lying that is. Jack says it’s not lying. But who am I trying to fool?  Since his mom has died, everything has changed.  His house is ours  except that we  just aren’t married so I still have my bedroom at home and when summer is over I will have to go home again and sleep in my own room. But for now it is nice. We can do anything we want, anytime we want. It is so much better than sneaking around at his dad’s or at my house after my parent’s have gone to bed.  I have all my stuff, or a lot of  it at his house. Jack said that I am using him to play house and I told him that he is using me to have his way with me. He laughed and thought I was trying to be cute. I wasn’t.

 

Larry kept coming around a lot when he knew Jack wouldn’t be home. I finally told Jack but he didn’t seem bothered by it. Funny, I may be young but I am not stupid. Larry is very good-looking. Did I mention that? I mean Disney Movie  Prince cute. And he knows it.  Much cuter than Jack if you liked that kind of thing. But I am attracted to the personality more than anything first and hitting on a friend’s girlfriend is not attractive to me.  I just find it strange that Jack has  been so jealous about every other guy that was doing nothing and yet when it is happening right in front of his face, he doesn’t seem to care.

I introduced Larry to my friend Lindsay and they have been dating for a while now but Larry’s made it clear when they are not around that he wishes we were together. We hung out at the beach together a few weeks ago and in the waves, he was all over me. I am not sure how Jack missed it.

 

The House on Country Road

 The house on Country Road is empty now
The shadows hesitate as the memories linger

No love is lost as my heart goes back
listening for the melody of the singer

The scent of lives once lived inside the walls
stays upon my skin like notes inside my head

So strange the way life once so alive,
is the part inside of me that is now most dead.

Keri London

1977

Entry #50 The Calm….

 

Dear Journal,
I just can’t seem to stop crying and I have no one to talk to so I come here and write to you.  I know that eventually I need to stop writing here, because after all I have not seen Mrs. Walker or not had a journal assignment from her  for almost  two years. But you are like an old faithful friend that has been there for me through it all. I’ve been dreaming about Liz a lot lately.  I seem to be having two dreams over and over again.  I can’t stop thinking about her even in my sleep. In one dream, she keeps calling and when I answer, no one is there. And in the other dream,  she has not moved to her apartment yet  and is living still in her house on Country Road, but she is not there…. And Jack and I walk in the door and Bootsie is reeeeally skinny and there is no cat food in the cupboards! I just hate going to sleep anymore and can’t really tell Jack about the dreams.

I’ve been reading Annie’s letters again and kind of getting lost in her story. I think that I might write about her. I have an outline in my head that I’ve been thinking of writing. But I can’t seem to snap out of it enough to get motivated. I am so sad. I just want to stay around here and hang out. Louise has invited me over a few times and she is good for me I know. She really is quite wise. I took Annie’s letters over to share with her and she loved them and my idea to write their story too. Laurie’s called a few times.  I really don’t feel like hanging out with her right now. I can’t explain it but I am crying as I write this.

And it’s nothing about Jack. He’s been extra sweet. Almost like a different person, we haven’t fought since way before, I can’t even remember. He seems way more relaxed than I’ve ever seen him. I know he is sad but I feel like I act more sad than he does. It is almost as if the dark cloud over his head just transferred to mine.  He’s been working a lot in his shed and surprised me. He made the most beautiful swing for our porch. I sewed some great yellow gingham  pillows for it and he seemed so pleased.  I love that he is so handy. And he seems so happy when he’s out there. He doesn’t seem to need me in that desperate kind of way anymore that bothered me so much. It was as if he couldn’t get undressed fast enough sometimes when he’d see me. I was feeling kind of used. He’s slowed down and kisses me like when I was still innocent.

Maybe that is why I feel sad. I don’t feel innocent anymore.  Reality is sinking in about so much. He still won’t talk about setting a date. Everything happened so fast. His mom died right after we got engaged and now it just seems like a touchy subject.

I think that I am just bored and thinking too much. I used to be so busy.  School and work seemed to fill every hour. Now I wish that I hadn’t let Jack talk me out of going to camp this year. Kathy seemed so disappointed. He is paying for me to take a photography class at the modeling school and then said he’d pay for my portfolio pictures which is the next step “IF” I am going to do anything with the classes. I guess in the meantime I will write.

Jack’s friend Larry came over the other day. It was weird, I walked up with a basket of folded laundry after just coming back from the laundromat and found him on the porch knocking on the door. He helped me and held the basket while I unlocked the door and then kept gushing about how lucky Jack is to have me and how he doesn’t think he knows. I told him I think he does. I offered him Iced Tea and he started acting like his neck hurt. I think he was hinting for a massage. But when I came back out with the glasses I suggested that we drink them out on the swing on the porch. The next day I’d just come in from the back and heard a knock on the door and looked out the door, and there was Larry again. I wonder what that’s all about?