#15 Journal Entry Soaring Lessons

Dear Journal,

When Jack and I pulled up to the Glider Port in Lake Elsinore about an hour later, he was ecstatic.  He was so happy and I love seeing him that way. We walked around looking at all the fiberglass planes that they called mosquitoes and watched tow planes pulling up gliders which was a lot different than the radio controlled planes that we saw being manuevered by a control. These planes had no engine! As we watched the planes that pulled the gliders up, it was crazy to realize that no motor was holding them up in the sky but the air and the knowledge of where to fly to find the right kind of air to make them go up. It all made me kind of dizzy!

On our way there Jack told me that he read all about Sail Planes  in a National Geographic when he was just a little boy and that he’d always dreamt of flying in one.  When we got out of the car, his expression was so cute. He looked like a little boy who’d just discovered Santa’s workshop at the North Pole! As I walked around, the planes he went inside the little trailer to get information. When he came back he had two time slots for us to go up.

 

I was so surprised he got me one too and I have to admit a little nervous. And It was expensive! I told him that it was okay, I would have fun just watching him go up, but he insisted and said that we were “A team!” And that he wouldn’t go if I didn’t. Well, how could I ruin his fun? And I must say that it was so cool! First Jack went up and I thought he was going to burst from the sheer joy he was feeling. When he landed and the pilot popped open the plexiglass top I knew he was sold.

 

He watched as I climbed in and they had to put sand bags in to weigh me down so that the plane would weigh enough. Glen my pilot, explained about how to pull the red knob to release the tow plane’s line and then let me pull it! I watched as the tow plane swooped below us and the instructor showed me how to read the altitude and how to find thermals that would keep us up without an engine. I remembered watching the birds and felt like one. It was so incredible.

 

As we landed, Glen pointed out the chalk landing line and then the line we were to roll out to and let me do it. He said that I was a natural. When we landed, Jack was right there waiting for me and and told me that he’d signed us both up for lessons. I asked him “No Jack” I told him it was too expensive. But he said again, that we were a team and he wouldn’t do it without me.

 

On the way home he was so excited. I don’t think that I ever saw him so worked up in a good way. We stopped at a little Drive-In  near Corona and ordered deep friend burritos and rootbeer freezes and talked and laughed all the way home. I was so happy. Summer is just a few weeks away and my mom and little brother Lonnie are going to my grandparent’s in Seattle. I talked my parents into letting me stay home. It is my last summer before I graduate and I wanted to stay home with Jack. Of course I didn’t tell them that.

My cousin Annie has a job this summer working at a photo place and I knew that it would be boring without her. My grandparents sold their dear old home by Lake Washington a couple of years ago and moved to a modular home on Whidbee Island. I cried for days when I’d heard the news. But someday I am going to buy it back! Everyone can just wait and see! Anyway, I am staying home and my dad has a few business trips planned so I will stay at Laurie’s. It’s going to be the best summer ever!

When we got back home, it was late and I had school the next day so Jack just took me back to my car.We had so much to look forward to. He held me so tight it almost hurt. He kissed me hard. I almost felt as if we were one in that moment. All of our thoughts and plans and dreams and our bodies all seemed to flow together Now when we kiss, I am not sure how to explain it. At times I feel he wants me to be his girlfriend but at other times I feel he just wants to be loved and nurtured in a maternal kind of way, as if he is trying to make me fill all the holes in his life. Sometimes I want to hold on and make all his old pain go away and sometimes I just want to run away myself because he needs so much and it just scares me. Even signing up for all of those lessons seems like a commitment that I’m not sure that I am all that ready for.

Journal Entry #14 Soaring

 

Dear Journal,

Jack and I were lying around reading the Sunday paper. His dad was supposed to be gone for the day and so we had the place to ourselves. I tried to imagine what it would be like if the apartment was ours. The sun was hot on the floor where we read and the warm breeze was making the curtains move back and forth.  I rolled over on the page he was reading and we started kissing. I’d be happy just kissing but of course Jack seems to always push for more. I jumped up not wanting to get caught in an embarrassing situation since we’ve had some close calls before when his dad would come home unexpectedly and since it was the weekend, I was not taking any chances.

I pulled him up and told him that it was too nice to stay inside and suggested that we should go and wash his car. So he relunctantly to put it mildly followed me. I pulled out the buckets and rags and hose from the storage cabinet while Jack pulled his car up by the faucet. I had a little tee shirt on with a tiny picture of Micky on the left hand pocket and was wearing some short cut offs and it was already pretty hot for so early in the morning, so I didn’t care if I got wet. We splashed around barefooted, soaping up the car. Suddenly Jack sprayed my shirt with the hose and grinned. I looked down and forgot that earlier that morning he’d removed my bra and I’d absent mindly stuck it in my purse during a moment of passion, not wanting to leave it laying around for his dad to find. “Jaaaaack dooooon’t” I begged him to stop, hugging myself as he laughed. Luckily no one drove by right away and I had fun teasing him as I danced around and then squirted the hose right in the center of his cut offs.

Everything with Jack is so fun lately. We laugh all the time. For a while I felt like I was walking on eggshells, so worried about what would tick him off like before but we have not had a lot of problems. As we put all the car washing things away we passed Jack’s motorcycle. and he asked me if I wanted a ride. Normally, I’d have had to call and ask my mom but lately I have thought what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Right? So Jack pulled out another helmet and I ran up to get my purse and bra! And shoes on and we were off. It was such a nice day. I love riding with Jack. I love breathing him in and feeling so close as I wrap my arms around his waist. The muscles in his back are hard from when he used to play water polo in school and when I am back there with my arms wrapped around him,  I wish that I could stay there forever. Sometimes when I am at school, I think about those times, the times when I am just riding around with Jack and wish that was where I was.

We ended up on the cliffs near where I live. As we drove up and saw the radio controlled sail planes he pointed and asked me if I wanted to stop and I nodded. So we pulled over and Jack looked like a little boy in a toy store. He was so cute and I loved watching him as he talked to the owners of the planes. For a while we just sat quietly and watched them swoop and land and catch thermals. It was incredible.

As we were sitting there Jack told me about a place not too far from there where there were real ones. “Lets go!” I suggested and he looked at me and said “Really?” It was still early, barely noon.   “Sure! Why not?” I asked him. And he looked so happy! We rode home and dropped off his bike and jumped in the car and headed to Lake Elsinore.

Entry #13 Denial

Dear Journal,

Jack has been so sweet.  Though we seem to spend a lot of time at the beach lately, we have not talked about our sailing trip and it has been over three weeks since that day. One way or another we usually end up taking long walks and then watch the sun set a few afternoons a week on the days he gets off early and picks me up after school. During those times, Jack has shared a lot about his childhood and the horrors he experienced. I feel that I understand him more now. But I still am not exactly sure what  happened that day. I know he said it was the rope and line thing but seriously?  I’d love to talk to him some more about it so that we can avoid whatever upset him. Though he seems so be happy to have it behind us and I’m not sure how it would go over if I brought it up now.  I told him I forgave him, and I do, and bringing it up might seem like I don’t and so I have not said anything.

I still have to admit that I love our time together. Nothing is ruined. If anything, it has brought us closer. There has never been anyone who makes me feel the way Jack makes me feel and he tells me all the time that I am his first love. We talk about our dreams and plans and what we want to do and even about our children. I know it seems silly. We are still young and I have so much that I still want to do.  When I was telling Jack about my dreams of wanting to travel and write in exotic places he got kind of quiet. It was so cute. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that he was jealous. When I’d imagined going, I’d never really planned to bring someone else along, at least in my dreams. But he looked so sad and I told him that of course he could come too and he cheered right up!

I am starting to try to figure out how to afford a car. I want to get a job but I have long days at school and then well, I don’t want to give up my time with Jack.  When my mom doesn’t give me the car, Jack picks me up. They are rationing gas now and they are allowing 0nly the cars with license plates ending in odd numbers to fill up on certain days and the ones that end in even numbers to fill up on others. You have to get there really early in the morning so I have to leave two hours earlier than usual and go sit in line when we need gas in my mom’s car. It’s okay cuzzz I just do my homework while I am waiting. So my mom lets me have the car a lot more often latelybecause she says she’s not going to wait in line for two hours.

I go to a Dental School called SCROC this year after lunch, that is giving me extra credits and we don’t’ get out until 4PM so I get the car more often because my mom doesn’t want to have to stop what she’s doing  and come and pick me up. I can take the bus to and from everything but she would still have to come and pick me up on the days that Jack can’t so she just lets me have her car but I have a feeling my dad is thinking of getting me one of my own. Sometimes Jack will pick me up and we will hang out at the gas station where he works after hours. He has a little Triumph Spitfire and is always complaining about the rearend going out so is constantly tinkering on it. Sometimes he jacks me up on the hydraulic lift while I do my homework in the car.

My parents have met Jack but I try not to make a big deal about us going out because I think they’d worry if they really knew how much time we were really spending together. On the days that Jack opens, he gets off earlier than me and so I take the bus to school and then he picks me up. My parents don’t seem to mind and I think my mom likes having her car available for errands at least a few days a week and so it has worked out so far and they seemed to have liked him when they met him. Though they wouldn’t have been very happy if they knew anything about the sailing trip or that we spend a lot of time at Jack’s dad’s place before he gets home.

Journal Entry #12 Going Home

Dear Journal,

My heart pounded as I listened to Jack’s voice breaking as he apologized. “I am so, so sorry.” He kept saying. He finally looked up at me and started the engine. We drove several miles without a word. I am not sure if I was just making sure that we were as close to home as possible or just didn’t know what to say. I was so confused. My mind could not stop rewinding. The days’s events played over and over again in my mind and each time it made me want to get sick. My stomach churned as we wound up the hills from San Pedro to Palos Verdes and I was sure that I was going to throw up.

Just before we reached the entrance to my neighborhood, Jack turned off on a side street and parked. He still looked anguished but had gained composure. The evening fog began to roll in as he clicked on the heater. Taking my hand he held it and said that he loved me enough to say “goodbye” and how I deserved better and how he knew he had a problem that he thought he could control. That he’d messed things up with Maddie but he thought he could be stronger with me because he loved me so much, but today showed otherwise. He said sometimes he couldn’t even figure out what makes him mad, and that he seems to sabatoge everything good in his life because his mom told him that he was worthless  when he was a little boy.

My hand jerked away as I realized that he was breaking up with me! “YOU are breaking up with ME?” I wanted to scream. Though nothing came out of my mouth. During the drive home I penned many scripts in my head, all things that I wanted to say to him. I planned to break up with him! NOT the other way around! But all I could do was just sit there trying to understand everything that had happened that day. I was so cofused. The more serious he sounded the more it made me freak out. I began remembering all the times we’d shared and tried to imagine life without him and I panicked. I grabbed his leg and shouted “No!” I told him that some how we’d figure this out. I told him that I was different and wouldn’t abandonded him like Maddie did. Even though I’d fully intended to a few hours earlier. In one day I’d gone from being madly in love to wanting to break up to begging for him not to.

Jack stopped talking. I couldn’t stop crying. I pleaded with him to reconsider as if my life depended on it. And in a way it felt as if it did. I imagined his life without me and it made me more sad than picturing mine without him. He needed me! I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed his mouth and his eyes and his hair as he slowly relaxed. I began murmuring; “I will never leave you Jack. Not ever!” Finally he relaxed and we cried together. He lay his head in my lap and as I stroked his hair. It was a strange feeling. In a way I felt oddly maternal and yet it was very sexy. He seemed so trusting and I kept saying, “I will never leave you Jack, I promise, I will never ever leave you.” And I really meant it.

 

 

Entry #11 On Dry Land

Dear Journal,

So I got in the car. I wasn’t thinking about anything but getting home. Everything else seemed like a camera out of  focus. The dreams I’d begun to imagine with him all were just shattered inside a few minutes. Jack drove a few hundred yards and parked right outside the launching gate entrance, away from the traffic of exiting boaters. My heart pounded. What was he going to do? I wanted to protest and ask him to just drive but I didn’t know how he’d react. All of a sudden, I felt as if I didn’t know anything about him and realized that maybe that is why Laurie was so unhappy that we’d started dating. She knew more than she shared. Maddie was her sister and Jack and Maddie dated for over a year.

My mind couldn’t seem to stop. I was numb and angry and all those plans, oh yeah well, THEY were all NOT going to happen! All those weeks we’d spent together just seemed like a waste now. The air was so thick. I kept wiping my eyes because for some reason I felt like crying even though I felt mad more than sad. I was so annoyed with myself. I didn’t want him to think I cared. I just wanted him to drive! I wanted to scream “DRIVE!” It was so stupid we were sitting there in silence with his stupid boat hooked to the back of his car and I was afraid to get mad because I didn’t want to upset him again so that he’d take me home.

 

So there we sat until he leaned over and lay his arm across the steering wheel and then put his head on it and sat that way for a long time. I mean a real long time. I kind of started getting mad because I just wanted to go home. I didn’t know what to expect. Was he mad or frustrated or too upset to drive? I didn’t know. But I did know that I just wanted him to turn on the key and move.

I almost was going to say something, not sure what exactly but I did know that I didn’t want to sit there all day. So just as I began to open my mouth, he started crying, telling me how sorry he was and how what had happened had nothing to do with me and how he knew that we couldn’t be together and that he always screwed everything up with his temper

.

 

Entry #10 Sailing trip Continued

Dear Journal,

So as I sat on the bow of the boat, as far away as I could get from Jack, my world stopped. As my mind reeled. My heart was broken but at that point,  I was too angry to feel that yet.  No one ever talked to me or said things like he did that day. We’d never even had so much as a cross word before, so I didn’t know how to fight back so I just didn’t.  His sandwich was still on the floor of the boat and he seemed to stomp around and yank “lines” and basically had to sail by himself. It wasn’t a big boat but I wasn’t sure what to do. He still seemed pretty mad and I kept replaying it all in my head as if I had a rewind button. At one point he did a turn about and saw that I was crying which infuriated me because I did not want him to see. But when he saw the tears streaming down my face asI quickly wiped them away,  something seemed to click in him and though he didn’t say anything I could tell the rage he’d been in, left as fast as it had come.

He managed to pull the boat out without my help. I am not sure how he did it because I walked up the ramp and sat on a bench near the parking lot. When he finally pulled up he rolled down the window and asked me to get in. I just stared at  him, thinking that he must think that I was crazy to really believe that I would climb in that car with someone who had behaved like a lunatic for whatever reason, I still was not sure of. “Come on Keri, I promise that I will just drive you home.” Jack pleaded with me and since I couldn’t think of anything else to do other than call my parents  to come and pick me up, I got in. I leaned against the door, and looked out the window and I cried all the way home.

 

Entry #9 Sailing Trip

Dear Journal,

Jack planned to teach me how to sail last weekend. I packed all of his favorites. Sandwiches, brownies, chips, even strawberries! We usually go out with other couples when we go sailing, but this was our first time alone. I was a little worried about launching the boat without someone else helping  but Jack backed up into the water so that all I had to do was pull the car and trailer out and go park.  Everything  went smoothly and Jack grabbed my hand as he helped me onto the boat and gave me a high five.

I was looking forward to spending the day alone with just us. We tacked out of the Marina and the day was beautiful. We played around with the wind and Jack showed me how to feel for it and how to fill the sail with just the right amount of wind. As we got further from land, Jack tied off the jib so that  we both could lean back and soak up the sun. It was so peaceful and I felt as if I could just stay like that forever. Until Jack asked me if I was hungry. So I got up to get our lunch  when the wind suddenly shifted. But Jack took care of manuevring the boat as I kept setting up our picnic lunch. Soon I was leaning back onto him as we ate our sandwiches. “Mmmm Jack complimented me. He was always grateful for whatever I made.

The water glistened as we continued to sail, the air was warm with a slight breeze. It was the perfect day to spend out on a boat. Other boats were just far enough away to look like little toys in the background. After what seemed like a while, the wind began to shift and so I lazily got up and reached for the jib.  I can’t remember how it came up, but I mentioned something about a rope.  I wasn’t sure if he was joking at first but Jack stood up and yanked the line from my hand slapping it on my leg as he grabbed it away from me, and bellowed. “Haven’t I told you that the only “rope” on a boat is on the bell?!!” I kind of squinted at him, thinking; huh? And then he kept shouting, “LINE! It’s a LINE!!!” That’s when I realized that he was serious.

No one’s ever spoken to me like that. Not even my dad when he was reeeally mad. He just kept yelling at me and was so mad that he spit on me. At first I thought it was an accident but I think that he actually really meant to. I wiped my arm and just wanted to just get away. But how far can you go when you are out in the middle of the ocean on a seventeen foot sailboat without a motor?

Side note to my readers:

As you know, I have not posted for a while. I have my reasons. The above story is a sample of what might shed some light on them. I am going to post as many posts a day in the sequence as they happened until I am all caught up. Entry #9 is the first of the several that I will copy from my  journal for Mrs. Walker…

Dear Journal My “Catch You Up” post #8

Dear Journal,

I am so sorry that I have not kept up with you lately here. I have been “writing” in my journal for Mrs. Walker’s class but I have not been so good about transferring it here at all. I started off thinking that I’d have time. But I will catch you up since I have folded the pages where I left off with you and will try to enter the days as I can… now let’s see….

I left off where Jack and I became official. If that’s what you call it. He said he loved me. Boys have said that to me before but it all seemed so “cute” and I never could say it back, I’d always just say thank you and they always looked so disappointed. But to be honest, I didnt’ want to love anyone for a long time. Or… so I thought. But I said it back because I do  love him. I care about him in a different way than I have ever cared about anyone in my entire life. I mean I love my family and my friends but I guess when you love a boy…

 

I mean really L-O-V-E him, he fills up everything in your life.

It seems as if I just go to school and spend the rest of my time with Jack. He lives with his dad in a small apartment in Torrance and works later so we find ourselves alone in his room there a lot.

I was always curious about kissing but I have to admit that we do a lot more than that now. He has taught me things that I never even thought of and in some ways I think we are learning together. He swears that he and Maddie only kissed. But that is hard to believe because, well, he just seems a little more experienced than in just kissing.

 

Anyway, We can’t get enough of each other and it seems as if we are just living every other minute just to get back to where we left off. I feel a throbbing pain until we are together again.  I taste him on my lips and smell him on my skin. I never thought I could love somebody so completely!

Defining Our Love

I breathe you in

and you breath me out,

I feel the rush

as your skin

becomes

part of

my finger tips.

Two totally different lives

from totally different paths

colide.

And the crash

takes my breath away

Keri London

1974 c