Transitions

quote about looking back

Well, it looks as if I may have some more time on my hands than I expected. I am not sure what God has in store for me but for some reason I am not scared. I think that I am getting the kick in the butt that I need to get some things done in the name of procrastination! My job has been eliminated due to funds so I am going to have to figure out something.

I sure wish that I was the Keri here that had her whole life ahead of her and knew then what I do now!

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Keri’s last chapter

silouhet of profile of woman

Keri’s last chapter…. Or at least  an experiment, starting from the end and going forward….

After reconnecting, Keri was wary. But slowly let down her guard. Though there was never an innocent place for them to land. They said  everything and more. All the things that they ever wanted to say after a lifetime of not being able to.  It was almost like going under water and gasping for air as they hit the surface, taking a breath and going under over and over again. Trying not to respond.  Not wanting to hurt anyone. Weaning themselves, from the connection.  Most of their contact was through sporadic writing.  It was hard to stop.  A year would go by and then one or the other would break the hiatus with a bit of news. His dad died, his wife died, Keri’s friend died, there was always something, always a reason to reach out to the other, and maybe always would be, until God forbid, one of them died.

Keri knew now, that  she’d been deeply in love with the boy,  at least as much as a young girl could be, and recently had come to terms with the fact that her love for Jack the man, seemed to be convoluted with all the memories of Jack the boy.

Though through the intensity of their exchange her heart seemed to explode, Saying things she was afraid to say before but having nothing to lose now. It was empowering and in the beginning she was ruthless. Jack had no idea how crystal clear her memories would be. He’d found her first. From what he could tell, it was apparent that she was married with a family. He told himself that he was going to just ask for forgiveness and move on. Nothing more. But she surprised him by letting him into her life a little more than he’d hoped for. At first the exchange was very guarded and it pained him to know that she feared him. But slowly she began to share memories and he told her that “this time” IT would be about her, that he could take it.

For several months their exchange was lost in a fantasy, when they talked or wrote, they both imagined the younger versions of one another. It was hard to grasp the reality of what their relationship had become. Keri worked non-stop on her book the first year after they’d stopped the contact. And then, something just died inside of her. The need to write about it seemed to lessen. The last time she’d heard his voice gave her a sad panicked feeling, much like when she was a girl, trying to break up with the boy she’d loved so much. In a time she felt that there’d been no place to run.

Now she felt unsettled. Needing  a place to land to write and remember. And so she wrote….

computer2

Why haven’t I learned to trust my gut? My first punch of intuition? Why didn’t I run like the wind like I did the last time we saw each other when I was so much younger and afraid of you? Did you know that  I hid from you? That I hated you? And yet I loved you, she typed  in agony. She stopped suddenly and clicked print. And read. She printed another and another page and crossed things out and added things and all at once she was inspired and for the first time began really writing.

siloette of writer standing up

Just Like Magic

older couple at the beach

I never thought I’d feel like this again,

And yet…Nothing has changed~

For once again it is about your pain.

couple in back seat

You asked me to forgive you and so I did.

For after all I said, we were “just kids.”

sad couple on beach

Forgiveness is such a simple word,

almost like a magical choice,

an eraser that removes the memories,

of all those times you raised your voice.

Or the silence of  a hundred nights,

from the aftermath of a thousand fights.

Just like magic and POUF it’s gone.

A simple act that rights all wrong.

I might have been able to forget but in the end,

You made it all about  you again.

sad man reading

Keri London

2011©

Revisions

typerwriter keys

Coming back and finding work that is half way done. Work that I once thought as acceptable, perhaps even good. Work that you took your time to read. Work that I actually shared here! Yikes! Well, I am a little embarrassed. As I read and reread stuff that I thought was good enough, good enough to share. Now, I see it just wasn’t. Too many of the same words, too many times I  said the same name on one page, too many times I said words like, had or actually or finally, over and over again! And I see so many mistakes. And yet, I know I have something. Something that made some of you follow me all the way through, so saying it is not worth my effort to continue is not being very grateful to the many of you that took the time to read this story. Besides, I know that I have a story to tell.

In the course of the first page to right now, I have lived through so many emotions since. I have ridden the proverbial wave and I truly think that my story has evolved. And that I am stronger now. That in my head my story and the reason that I want to tell it has changed. And if I’d tried to finish it back when I thought that I’d written the last page, it never would have had a chance. But now, I really do think that at least in my head and the bones of what lie here, I just might have a story worth telling.

writers trash can

The bones are still there. But now it is more than a story of a young girl, trying to save a young boy and his demons. It is more than a story about first loves and abuse, about mental illness. It is about a woman and her scars that reappear when her own daughter starts dating  and about mid-life crisis and trying to go back and right the wrongs and almost losing everything she holds dear. It is about the young girl, running head on into the older woman she is now.  Past her prime and even  middle age, just now finding her voice. After all of these years she seeks the validation that she lost all those years ago. Just now being allowed to say the things she’d always wanted to say.

Today, we find ourselves inside a world of communication that once was non existent. Where once when we lost touch, a lost love was truly lost except by chance. A lost phone number, a changed address and pouf they were lost. Now through social media, in a click of a key and people are finding each other. It’s crazy. And sometimes if by chance, there was no closure, or the ending was bad, people are trying to right old wrongs, and  personal Pandora’s Boxes have been being opened.

At first my story was about the abuse, how subtly young girls allow it. How difficult it is to admit to someone for so many reasons  that you are in a place that is hard to share. It is the story of many young girls, and I feel it is still worth telling. But I think that I needed this time to go back over the pages, over the bones, and revise just a little. To also tell the end of the story. So I am back to tell it.

To those who have hung in here, to my writing mentors who have lovingly supported me, to my readers who have followed me here. You guys are the best! I’m still here, my story is still being written. Now let the revisions begin!

typed to be continued

 

The One That Got Away

sad break up

It all seems like a dream now,

you finding me, all these years later,

trying to pull back the years from yesterday.

I let you in, I closed my eyes and jumped.

All the years in-between vanished.

It was just you and me in that moment,

skin against skin, hearts beating, raging, stopping.

breathing, tasting, rushing.

Breathless memories crashing, youth returning.

Falling in love with each other or just the past?

Never really truly knowing.

And the struggle between the reality and the fantasy,

well it never let us hang on tight enough.

You slipped away just as quickly as you appeared,

beyond all of my values and morals and what people might say.

I allowed you in.

Why?

Maybe because I still loved you.

Maybe because I hated you so much for hurting me

that I wanted you to know what you lost,

What you could have had,

What you didn’t fight for all those years ago,

And maybe it was a little of both

Maybe it is just nice to know now  that there is someone out there…

someone wanting me,

that believes that I was the one that got away.

You Could Have Had Me

LETTING GO QUOTE

You were someone that I used to know.

 someone I escaped long ago

and yet I let you in

AGAIN

couple riding piggy back

falling in love for the first time

nothing ever tops that

I fell into you,

tumbling into the past

kissing on floor

and you almost had me

well you kind of did at hello

there were things I need to ask

things I wanted to know

computer instant message

so slowly I let you in

oh why did I let you in?

and then I couldn’t let go

it felt so good to just know

computer man looking

that you wanted me

and this time it was my choice

well it was my choice that last time

I guess all I wanted to say now

is that you could have had me

your life could have been so different

and you can’t be mad at me now

 because it isn’t.

Keri London 2014

Inside My Memories

drinks

City lights and jazz in the air

the smell of smoke in my hair,

the first scent of a lit cigarette

are memories I just can’t forget.

city view with bridge

Coppertone still fills my head

reminds me of things you said.

beach chairs

A time of day still makes me smile,

our hearts store them like a file.

Forgotten like a vapor’s mist

don’t mean that they don’t exist.

smoke

 A song or smell has a knack

of snapping us so quickly back,

at any given time you see

I can find you in my memories.

Ah, yes the smell of smoke in my hair

I close my eyes and find you there.

floating face

Keri London

2011©

I originally wrote this one  on my http://dianereedwiter.wordpress.com   blog today, but really felt that it belonged here.

2011©

And I wonder

smoke

Like a vapor

clearly visible

appearing

and

disappearing

breathe

you yanked me back

into a place

and then left

without a trace

sad girl staring out window

I want to

cry

and

scream

and shake you,

I want to run

and catch

and break you

sad break up

And I wonder…

was it you?

Or just a time

in my life

you took me

back to

doorknob

that made

it all seem

so much like

magic?

 girl with round light

Keri London 1977©

Wanderin Endlessly Backwards


looking back girl

Wandering endlessly backwards

as the songs we played still fall on my heart

computer2

Backing away instead of staying,

trying to make sense of what’s fallen apart

 sad break up

Knowing love’s not so simple ,

sometimes, more than words can describe

girl in the rain sitting

like running in the rain barefoot,

while others just stay inside.

looking out the window2

Keri London

1977©

The “YOU” inside my head

window seat girl

The shadows still block the light

and yet  sunshine flickers through.

When I wash my car, even now,

I always think of you!

washing cars

Why do my memories seem

like a valued work of art?

Why is it that yesterday

is still trapped inside my heart?

sad girl staring out window

Am I just in love with the boy

that I wanted you to be,

even though today,

you are but a stranger now to me?

couple at end of dock

It makes me wonder if I was just in love

with the “you” inside my head,

just a figment of my imagination

a mere fantasy instead…

peter pan never grow up

An escape from reality,

a place that I softly fall,

a love that I used to know

that meant the most of all?

computer2

Or was it ever really real,

that place I’d wander to…

The Neverland of make believe

where I thought that I’d find you?

Keri London

1977©